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“Violence UnSilenced? was created with the sole intention of shedding light on the epidemics of domestic violence and sexual assault by giving their survivors a voice. I believe one of the last hurdles to eradicating abuse is the culture of silence and shame that exists yet today. I believe that you have people in your life that are being abused, you just don’t realize it. I believe victims are led to believe they are alone, that no one will believe them, and that people will think less of them. I believe every situation is complicated and unique. I believe that every single survivor of abuse is different from his or her comrades, and that by sharing stories here we can educate the public as to just how pervasive domestic violence and sexual assault is, and how it crosses all cultural, racial, gender, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic lines. I believe this is society’s collective problem, not simply a problem of those directly impacted. I believe there are 70 million blogs out there, and that one in four women will experience abuse in her lifetime. I believe we who are active in the blogosphere have a responsibility to listen to our friends and to spread the word, so that we can strip abusers of this critical power.”

Burmese women have endured rape and systemic sexual violence at the hands of the military. The Panties for Peace campaign, launched by women in Burma, plays on regime leaders’ superstitious fear that contact with a woman’s underpants will rob them of their power. Women around the world are asked to post their panties to local Burmese embassies. Find addresses at www.pantiesforpeace.info.

The first two articles chronicled one man’s journey from loving husband to violent abuser, and his road to recovery. He is astonishingly frank and refreshingly honest. It takes guts and we appreciate his willingness to share his story in the hope that someone somewhere may benefit.

This final article provides a glimpse into the generational cycle of abuse, and the consequences of silence.

There are many brave men and women working to end men’s violence against women. At Shout, we really do believe life is too short to be quiet, and we’re adding our voices to the cry for humanity.

If you are a survivor, an abuser, or an enabler who doesn’t know how to speak up, please believe there is a better life, we know.

If you missed the first two articles in this series, you’ll find them here:

• My Journey into Violence
• My Road to Recovery
  

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From the Beginning…

A little girl is sexually abused and violently beaten throughout her childhood.

A little boy is repeatedly molested before he’s old enough to understand.

The little boy and little girl grow up. They meet each other, marry and have a family together.

The boy, now a man, sexually abuses his four daughters and at least three of his granddaughters.

The girl, now a woman, ignores the abuse and pretends it doesn’t exist. In effect, she teaches her daughters to do the same, including Susie.

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In the face of abuse many people turn their heads. If we think it’s easier to ignore abuse than to confront it, we’re wrong.

I have a multitude of situations within my extended family where abuse lurks, and generations of silence have created a culture of enabling that’s excruciating. We have enough stories of addiction, pedophilia and battering to make a psychologist’s head spin.

I am not a mental health professional, and I can only share my own experiences in the hope they resonates where needed. I’ve witnessed the pattern of children growing up in homes where abuse is “normal.” If they don’t develop tools to eradicate abuse from their adult lives, they will often become abusive adults, or victims of abuse.

What follows is one story from a library of many where cycles of violence are threatening to help define yet another generation.

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Remember Susie from the snippet above? When she grew up, she met Joe.

Joe and Susie both came from abusive homes. Hers was a home riddled in three-generations of sexual abuse. His was a home of physical violence and emotional neglect.

They fell in love, married and had three children. Together they worked hard to build a secure, loving family environment, but because neither had the opportunity or support to confront their childhood demons, when they faced abuse within their nuclear family, they automatically took shelter in what they knew.

They learned from an early age to sidestep confrontation. They learned to accept sexism. They learned to encourage male-dominance and they learned to simply pretend abuse doesn’t exist.

Sadly, their son is a violent person.

It didn’t happen in a day, a year or even a decade. Their son’s abusive nature developed throughout his life, and left unchecked, he is now a 30-year-old man who dominates his family and batters his wife.

Remember, “you don’t need to bleed to be humiliated and abused.” He uses intimidation, money, angry rages, threats and insults laced with foul language to batter women in his family.

WHY MEN BATTER

Men batter because it “works”
Violence, or the threat of it, stops her from doing something he doesn’t like, or gets her to do something he wants. Battering is a pattern of physical and emotional abuse designed to keep him in charge

Men batter because they learn it
Men learn to batter by seeing other men do so
Men learn to hold women in contempt by hearing other men do so

Men batter because they can get away with it
They hide it by choosing when, where, and whom to batter
The community hides it by ignoring, justifying, or condoning it

His parents, Joe and Susie, have spent a lifetime enabling their son’s abuse, albeit unintentionally and without malice, they have effectively allowed their own childhoods to recycle. They’ve perpetuated the next generation of abuse. Coupled with a social environment where sexism and male privilege prevail, it’s not surprising; however it is incredibly disheartening.

Joe and Susie have always looked the other way when their son engaged in violent behavior. Rather than teach him to respect his little sister and to not use physical violence, for example, they’d remind her not to antagonize him.

Joe and Susie failed to give their son tools every parent and social institution must help children to develop—accountability, independence, and an intrinsic value that male-superiority is wrong. They’ve yet to understand that by covering for and accepting the abuse, they are allowing their family to be dominated by a singular person hell-bent on control and self-destruction. They allow themselves to be victims.

You may ask why Joe and Susie should hold any accountability squarely on their shoulders. They are the parents of an adult—a person who, at 30-years-old, has the capacity to make decisions for himself. They are no longer responsible for their son’s actions, right? Under normal circumstances that would be true.

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is when someone makes it easier for another person to continue self-destructive or abusive behavior.

These are not normal circumstances. Joe and Susie are not responsible for the decisions their adult son makes, but they do play a vital role in the ongoing abuse. They remain silent when he emotionally batters someone in their presence. They feel guilty and ashamed. They refuse to set boundaries, or to hear the voices of their daughters and daughter-in-law. They allow their son to escape the repercussions of his own actions by providing for him financially, and they continue to clean up behind him when he makes a mess in his own life or in the lives of other people.

Each and every time someone tries to address the issue, Joe and Susie immediately employ a helpless, it-is-what-it-is shoulder shrug, or they become angry and walk away. Confrontation is not allowed.

They can choose to take a stand and to hand the responsibility right back where it belongs—with their son. Instead, their silence encourages the behavior and validates his control.

Can Joe and Susie stop their son from continuing a life of violence against women? No. He alone makes the choice to abuse. They are responsible for creating an environment where abuse can flourish.

We all have a responsibility to teach our sons that sexism is wrong, that abuse will not be tolerated. We each have a responsibility to create safe environments for women and girls, and to hold accountable men who batter.

Joe and Susie can create positive change. They have the strength and goodness in their hearts. As parents they must stop enabling their son’s behavior. They must set the example and rescue themselves. We all must stop accepting violence in our families and the battering of women. It’s difficult, but the alternative is worse. The next generation is at stake.

You see, their son has a two-year-old daughter. She’s a smart, beautiful little girl whose most significant role models include a battered mother, a violent father and grandparents who turn the other cheek. If nobody takes a stand, if nobody sets an example, this beautiful little girl may represent the next generation of battered women in our family.

Excerpted from: A Conversation …
Men: what you can say and do to make a difference

HOW TO PROMOTE CHANGE

Name the abuse: Ask him

• To specify his abuse without minimizing what he did
• To claim his abuse and not blame others

Expect consequences: Ask him

• What he will do to stop himself
• What consequences will discourage him from doing it again
• Who will impose the consequences

Require restoration: Ask him

• What steps he will take to restore the emotional and physical safety he has destroyed

Transform beliefs about women:

• When a man holds negative beliefs about women, he will act on those beliefs
• Changing beliefs is how authentic personal change can occur

Work for social change:

• Men will stop assaulting women when men decide it is unacceptable and act accordingly
• So long as the community promotes negative beliefs about women, men will continue to act on those beliefs
• Challenging sexist structures and systems is critical for safety and justice

He is astonishingly frank and refreshingly honest. It takes guts and we appreciate his willingness to share his story in the hope that someone somewhere may benefit.

There are many brave men and women working to end family violence. At Shout, we really do believe life is too short to be quiet, and we’re adding our voices to the cry for humanity.

If you are a survivor, an abuser, an enabler who doesn’t know how to speak up, or you’re simply someone who cares enough to listen, please read on.

If you missed the first article, take a minute to read My Journey into Violence.

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My Road to Recovery

My first step to recovery was difficult. I had to really admit to myself, in both my head and my heart, that I was an abuser, a violent person.

I joined Men Stopping Violence’s (MSV) working group on a weekly basis. The group’s leader helped us to develop a better understanding of violent behavior, how we each functioned violently within our families, and helped to open our eyes to the fact that violence/abuse is always a decision, not a random act.

“We just don’t lose it” the group leader told me. The idea of “losing it” was one of my most-used justifications. I believed my wife would purposefully say things she knew were hurtful or that she would “push my buttons” and then I’d lose it.

MSV helped me to see that there’s no such thing as losing it. In the moment, seconds even, leading up to an abusive conflict, there were signals that I was about to go over the edge, and it was my responsibility to learn how to stop myself. It was my choice to respond with abuse, or not.

The group asked me to develop an action plan to stop the escalation of anger and abuse. It was critical that I identify my own physical and emotional cues, and that once I knew what they were, I had to learn to stop myself-to make a different choice before I became violent.

I learned how to identify the physical cues that manifested just before I was at the point of becoming violent and retaliatory. It started with an intense feeling of oppression, then my stomach contracted, I’d start gritting my teeth, my voice would get louder and then BANG-I’d start with the aggressive finger pointing. I’d scream and curse. By the
time I allowed myself to get to the BANG, I was lost.

I shared the plan with my wife and asked for her support.

It was really tough. Instead of gaining control of myself,
I felt like I had lost control of everything. The group was quick to remind me that if I wanted to earn my family’s respect and to respect myself, I had to work the plan.

We had to report to the group each week and openly admit if we’d fallen off the wagon and what types of abuse we’d committed. We supported and counseled each other, along with our facilitator, and offered insights on how to deal with different issues.

As a group, we took no nonsense from each other. Minimizing and justifying didn’t pass scrutiny, “Either you did it or you didn’t,” they’d say if I tried to wiggle. Over the years I had become a master at justifying and minimizing the abuse. MSV turned me inside out.

With time, I became more sociable, made new friends and even started playing guitar again. I joined a cycling club; I ran almost every day and I become a fitness fanatic. I did everything I could think of to become physically and mentally healthy. I wanted to be better for myself and for my family.

It was a great time in many ways, but the underlying issues in my marriage remained unsolved. We struggled, even without the abuse. We were battered emotionally, and we had done untold damage to our relationship. We didn’t trust each other.

Ironically, as my personal life continued to disintegrate, I was having tremendous success at work. A substantial promotion required that I begin traveling internationally and all of a sudden I was gone for weeks at a time. I missed my family, my children, but as the time went by I traveled more and more just to avoid coming home, until one day in April 1995.

We were at a restaurant with my wife’s family and the bickering started. I couldn’t do it anymore. Even though our bickering didn’t turn violent, I just couldn’t take the constant reality of being at odds with each other. I got up, left the restaurant alone and went home. At the time American Online was all the rage. I signed on, entered a chat room and there she was: keira3. Hello, would you like to chat?

Soon we discovered an array of commonalities. We became friends and confidants. She had just left an abusive marriage and we were both in search of an understanding ear. She knew I was married, and we never expected our online friendship to develop into anything more than it was-a support system.

Within a few months my heart betrayed my head. I didn’t know this woman from the computer, but she became my escape into sanity. I was scared. What did it all mean? As absurd as it sounds, she became my best friend. I sought every opportunity to speak with her, but I wanted my marriage to work and I didn’t want my children to have a divorced family.

I realized the online relationship had to stop. I called my friend and told her I could no longer speak with her. When I hung up, I had an immediate hole in my heart.

In the mean time, my wife and I traveled to my home country for a visit. It was a disaster. I wanted her to see how my friends from decades ago still liked me. I wanted her to see that I was a nice guy, that I had been a nice guy when I was younger. She had other ideas. For as much as I wanted to confirm for her that I had not always been a violent person, she wanted to validate her feelings that I was horrible and that I must have always been horrible. She didn’t find any such proof, but our disparate goals were obvious and painful for both of us.

That trip sealed the fate of our marriage. I came back to the USA, encouraged Keira3 to meet personally and I committed the ultimate betrayal. That in fact is my life’s biggest regret. I wish I had had the courage and strength to end my marriage before beginning another relationship. I am really sorry.

My wife and I divorced. I was offered an incredible job in Europe, and I invited Keira3 to come with me. It was the best decision of my life, and it marked a new beginning for all of us.

I told her at the time: no marriage and no children, and I can’t even promise you for how long we’ll stay together, lets just see what happens. She felt the same way, and given our pasts, we agreed that we either committed to a relationship free from violence, or there was no possibility of a future.

A life of abuse was over for me.

“Men will stop assaulting women when men decide it is unacceptable and act accordingly … Saying and doing something to challenge him feels hard, but it is what a friend would do.” —Men Stopping Violence

That was 13 years ago. We are happily married and have a wonderful child together. I can say with pride that we survived a complex stepfamily environment and created the foundation for positive relationships with my four older children. They are the best judges of the man I am.

So, am I cured as an abuser or a violent person?

Not on your life! Like an alcoholic, I will always remain an abuser. With the tools that MSV helped me to develop and a supportive family environment, I continue to be free from abuse and I’ve not slipped in my recovery in 13 years. It’s not always easy and it’s a part of me that I have to remain diligent about, but I do it. I do it for myself, for my wife and for my children.

I have a different perspective today than I did all those years ago. Of course I get angry sometimes. I can feel myself begin to grit my teeth and my stomach starting to contract, but I choose each day not to be an abuser. I choose to walk away and come back later. I love my family and regardless of what anyone else may say or do, I choose not to be violent.

Next Article:

• Enabling Violence from Generation to Generation
  A glimpse into the generational cycle of abuse, and the consequences of silence.
  

The following is first in a three-part series. The first two articles chronicle one man’s journey from loving husband to violent abuser, and his road to recovery. He is astonishingly frank and refreshingly honest. It takes guts and we appreciate his willingness to share his story in the hope that someone somewhere may benefit.

The final article provides a glimpse into the generational cycle of abuse, and the consequences of silence.

If you are a survivor, an abuser, an enabler who doesn’t know how to speak up, or you’re simply someone who cares enough to listen, please join us.

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My Journey into Violence

You do not need to bleed to be humiliated and abused.

Experts define family violence as, “forcing someone to do something that they don’t want to do, be that by physical violence and threats of violence or by psychological, mental, sexual and economic abuse.”

I am a violent person.

Like many abusers, I never hurt anyone physically and therefore the very idea that I was an abuser seemed ridiculous, but it’s true. I caused great psychological harm to my former family. I didn’t need to swing a fist to hurt people. Angry rages, finger pointing and cursing were my tactics of choice.

Most abusers have a hard time looking in the mirror. People refer to violence as a physical act. When we think of domestic and family abuse we picture swollen arms and bruised faces, but we give a pass to angry rages, fits of screaming and passive aggression.

Abusers start their justifications with, “I never hurt anyone physically, and that means everything else is just fine.” I know because I did exactly that.

The Back Story

I moved to the U.S.A. in May 1983 in pursuit of a new love. I left my two children in South Africa, family, friends and an incredible career to continue a love affair with an American. I thought that by making such extraordinary sacrifices I would have proved my commitment and love, and naturally I’d be rewarded with respect and trust.

The reality was much different.

The first time I met her parents they greeted me with, “This is ridiculous. You must end this.” At the time I couldn’t understand the hostile reception. Remember, I moved heaven and earth to be here, to be with their daughter.

Soon I discovered that my new love had an unfinished relationship, which was truly offensive. We began to routinely argue. I was having difficulty finding a job, and my sense of independence and masculine pride were deteriorating. I started to question my decision to leave South Africa. I missed my children desperately, and the guilt of leaving them haunted me day and night.

The arguing continued to escalate and our disagreements were never private. With the ease of a radio jock, she broadcast everything to her friends and family. I felt naked: a grownup man skinned and vulnerable in front of his new world.

Things developed quickly. She fell pregnant within months of our reunion in the States. The wedding was private and conducted by a freelance Rabi. Just before we married, my soon-to-be mother in law came to visit and strongly suggested to her daughter that she abort our child. We didn’t, but that suggestion set the tone of my relationship with my in-laws.

The next few years were a whirlwind. I became Jewish; I changed my name and became an American Citizen, and we had another child, my dearest monkey. My eldest son, then only 12, came to live with us from South Africa. Welcome to step family hell. My wife and my son were at odds daily. They developed a deep and unmanageable disrespect and aversion for each other. After four years he asked to return to South Africa and I was devastated.

I lost my identity. I lost my self-respect. I lost control, and I couldn’t find that once proud, determined and loving man I had been. He was lost to me and in his place was someone I didn’t want to recognize.

I was angry and frustrated. I felt powerless and wanted to gain control of my life, of my deteriorating family. So what did I do? I started abusing the people I loved most. It was a slippery slope. The arguing, the finger pointing, the screaming, the angry silences-they became more frequent and more thunderous.

The irony of it—I really didn’t think it was my fault. I blamed my wife. I blamed her bad behavior, her lack of respect, her ability to push my buttons with just a look or turn-of-phrase. She wasn’t saying what I needed to hear. She wasn’t acting the way I needed her to act. She didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved. She didn’t trust or respect me, and the fact that I’d go into a rage, that I’d scream and curse, well, she deserved it. She provoked me. The more I hated myself, the more I believed it was her fault. My twisted mind easily passed-the-buck and I told myself, “The bitch is responsible.”

She came home from work one day and explained that she wanted me to investigate an organization called Men Stopping Violence (MSV). I was humiliated. Me? Violent? I only shout, call you names, I’ve never hit you.

It was only a few days later when I woke up and finally couldn’t face myself anymore. I hated the person I’d become. I no longer trusted or respected myself, how in the world could I expect anyone else to trust, respect or love me? She was right. I needed help. I decided to call MSV.

“Remember, she may say and do things that upset and challenge you, but she can’t make you attack her. The only person who can make you do that is you. The only person who can stop you is you.”- Men Stopping Violence

MSV was in fact created by people like me to curb violence against women.

Our support group had people from all walks of life: blue collar, corporate executives, fire fighters and people assigned by the courts. At first I felt out of place, like an interloper. There were men, the ones that immediately jump to your mind’s eye when we talk about domestic violence-the ones who punched their wives, kept their partners hostage by not allowing them to leave their homes, isolated them from friends and family and who withheld money. There were also men like me; men who beat their wives with words.

I didn’t understand violence. I couldn’t have defined it until I joined MSV. With their help and support I finally began to understand what I had become, and I discovered there was a road back to self respect, if I was willing to walk it.

Next Articles:

My Road to Recovery
The successes and failures, an ultimate betrayal and a new life.

Enabling Violence from Generation to Generation
This final article provides a glimpse into the generational cycle of abuse, and the consequences of silence.