Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.

— Winston Churchill

Spinning My Perspective

Last night I wept. This morning I continued to mourn the passage of time, but with less need. This afternoon I let three tears wash across my cheek and tonight I’m tentatively looking for a new view.

When I wrote last night about not being ready for Aaron to start Kindergarten I was peeled and agonizingly raw. Today I’m searching for a spin on my perspective and I think I’ve opened a new well of insight that was closed to me last night.

Of course I am mourning the passage of time and all the ways it ravages every cliché and clock and heart beat, but I have to remind myself that I spent many, many years wondering if I’d ever hear someone call me Mommy. I fought and plodded and determined my way to motherhood, and for every click of time that passes and breaks my heart, I have to remember how blessed I am to have this opportunity to mother…how determined I am that this one shot I have at parenting will count in as many ways as possible, and I can’t do that if I stop time and forget that my responsibility is to help Aaron find himself…to grow and mature and to become what ever, who ever,  he is meant to become with all the values and character I hope he continues to develop. It’s a journey and I have to pinch myself some days to simply remember his presence in my life isn’t a dream. He’s a reality, my reality. He’s in this world because of a tremendous amount of love and the only way to honor his existence is to honor his growth. If I fall off the wagon again, please remind me.


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6 comments to Spinning My Perspective

  • You are a great Mom Tricia! Your son is so adorable…love that smile. I love your perspective!
    Lori´s last blog .. My ComLuv Profile

  • Jan

    It’s perfectly normal to mourn the passage of time, especially when they’re little – they seem to grow so fast! But you’re absolutely right; the best way to honor his existence is to honor his growth…to aid it AND celebrate it.

    Lori’s right – you’re a great Mom. Aaron is a happy, healthy, lucky little boy.
    Jan´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: Not So Greatest Hits My ComLuv Profile

  • Seems to me that it is a curse of humankind to find it difficult to fully appreciate what we have when we have it. When we work at it, or are reminded, then we get it – otherwise, there is always something that could be different or improved.

    I am constantly in the process of making peace with the fact that no one will ever call me “Mommy.” It still breaks my heart most of the time, but I am learning to recognize the positives of being childless. It sounds like you, in the midst of mourning the loss of your baby, were reminded of the positives of being mother to a glorious, energetic, intelligent *growing* boy.
    Violet´s last blog ..My First Friday Fill-IN My ComLuv Profile

  • Packing up their too small clothes is a time for reflection and a little bit of mourning for me. But it is also a celebration, too. Great post!
    Cheri @ Blog This Mom!´s last blog ..All in the Family My ComLuv Profile

  • Joaquim Sanders

    The best thing in the world is to be Aaron’s parents… and yes, you are a great mother. I miss him being a little one, but I look forward to great political debates… oh, we will play music together, soon… Can you see him playing the piano and me the guitar? We will let you play the drums… but no singing. You know there are only so many musical keys and you go through all of them in a hurry :)

  • Oh Tricia. Hugs. I go through these realizations almost weekly. With our three (1, 3, 5) they are moving through stages faster than I ever thought possible. Sometimes the emotion of it nearly bursts from my body at the most unexpected times. It may be just a moment where I notice that a little less baby fat is present in the creases of a dimply toddler smile. And, WOW, I just can’t believe it.

    Sad, yes. But also amazing and miraculous.

    Aaron is one lucky little boy, but I’m sure you don’t need anyone telling you that. :)
    2Shaye´s last blog ..(o)(o) Boobaphobia My ComLuv Profile

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