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Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.

— Winston Churchill

Please Help. I’m Not Ready

I’m not ready. How have the last five years gone by with a warped speed that creates convulsions and daggers my heart? I know you’ve felt the same thing, mourned the same passage of time, yet rejoiced in the same milestones. But tonight, this night, this day, six days from the beginning of something so completely, entirely, overwhelming different…this night I’m not ready for kindergarten.

This is my issue, my hang up, not my child’s. He’s ready. He’s looking forward to reuniting with his friends, to days and days of manipulating Montessori materials until his little mind is exhausted, but me…tonight I want to hold on tight and never let go. Tonight I want to wrap myself in the iridescent bubble of memory and let it strangle the sands of time, to stop the clock, to comfort this mother’s heart and let me believe that life doesn’t have to stop and count my heart beats. Please. Is anybody listening? If I beg and throw my soul at the base of an hour glass, can we slow this down? Can I have those lost moments back? Please. Will you put the baby back into my arms and allow me to drift away on the scent of chubby thighs and baby soap? Please. Can you stop my heart from aching for all that I know I’ve missed; for all that I don’t want to miss, for every moment, every tiny drop of sand that passed through my fingers without notice? Please. Can you help me not to feel selfish, to wish him luck, to encourage his independence, to relish each step he takes away from me. Please. Can you teach me how to love this transition, to embrace his new-found abandonment of baby and his rocketing into childhood…into kindergarten, into becoming more and more his own person. Please. Can you help me?

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8 comments to Please Help. I’m Not Ready

  • No, I am of no help — but what I can say is that you will love each step forward, don’t get hung up on what you may have missed because you will miss today! Who am I to talk and what do I know? I do not know … I look at my children each day and it scares me to death that they are growing up in front of me and there is not a darn thing I can do!
    Amy @ Six Flower Mom´s last blog ..Wordful/Wordless Wednesday – Red and Spiky! My ComLuv Profile

  • I can’t help. I am still aching for the sweet chubby arms fat cheeks baby smell unconditional love cuddling bedtime stories… But at the same time, I am gratified to see the kind intelligent tall slender hairy young men they are turning out to be.

    Take a million pictures and write down each and every beautiful thing you want to remember, because time flies by too quickly. And you will have so many more wonderful moments in the future.

    Even now, with teenagers, I am still packing the wonderful moments into my memory.
    Smalltown Mom´s last blog ..Whacked Weekend My ComLuv Profile

  • I sure do feel the ache of your heart and fully understand how it feels to not feel ready for such things as taking those first steps towards letting go. Oh how many times have I uttered those famous words “I’m not ready” as one of my children took one of these steps. Inevitably our children take these steps towards their own independence and away from us…it starts in the early years…kindergarten is a major step…thus begins our journey of letting go.

    You are most likely more ready then you realize…even though your heart aches and you want to stop time, when the day comes, you will let go. You will because you love him. You will because you know it is what is best and right for him. You will because it’s all part of his journey to be the best he can be. When you experience his joy over this new beginning, it will make your heart sing and glad for him. A whole new world will open up for both of you and it will be good. Just wait and you will see my friend. There is so much to be excited about…so much to look forward to.

    As I read your words “Can you help me not to feel selfish, to wish him luck, to encourage his independence, to relish each step he takes away from me.”, they brought tears to my eyes because these are basically the very words I have spoken over and over again through out the years with my own children…even now that they are young adults…it’s the words I cried out loud to my eldest daughters, after leaving my youngest son at the airport, just a few weeks ago, as he flew away from me and back to his life as a young college student. It sucks.

    But, I know that in focusing only on what was, we miss out on what is right now in the present. We miss out on the journey at hand…and it can be hard to see the exciting things that just around the bend, if our head are turned around.

    I have learned that in letting go, I am giving a gift to my child and myself. I know it will be hard Tricia but I know you will do everything you need to do when the day comes. You have prepared him well for this. It’s why he is excited to go. Embrace this moment Tricia…you won’t regret it. Hugs and love to you my friend, Lori
    Lori´s last blog ..Time flys when you’re having fun My ComLuv Profile

  • Jan

    I don’t know that there’s anything anyone can say or do that will help, although I agree with all of the previous statements that you shouldn’t miss out on “now” by longing for “before”.

    I know – easier said than done. Boy, do I know. But, you know what? Kindergarten is fun! It’s an adventure! One that you’ll be able to share and guide Aaron through, and when it’s all over, you’ll wonder why you viewed it with such trepidation.

    (((Tricia)))
    Jan´s last blog ..RTT: Keeping the Home Fries Smouldering My ComLuv Profile

  • I am horrible at projecting out far beyond the stage the kids are in. Kindergarten? In no time, he’ll be a high schooler! The best advice I can give is to keep it just in today’s terms. This is a great step for him. But it’s just a little step.

    (And you’ll be fine!)
    patois´s last blog ..Ocean: Haiku My ComLuv Profile

  • Not sure if it is the power of suggestion (having read your post this morning) or that it is just hitting me full force today but I have been physically ill today at the thought of kindergarten and beyond. Weepy and ill! Thanks Tricia!!!
    Danielle´s last blog ..Our Local Harvest My ComLuv Profile

  • oh – it’s so hard. I understand. I don’t know if that helps, but you’re not alone. I wasn’t ready when my son started school, or when my daughter started Junior Kindergarten last year. I’m still not ready for so many things, but over time some things get easier. Hang in there!
    xox

  • Kim

    You are ready you just aren’t seeing it today. You put in so much effort to make sure he stayed in montessri, so there he will be. Just a longer day perhaps. You know it will be awesome for you and him. All the knew things he will share with you both of what he has learned. Be proud, you did well in keeping him where all schools should be. Win, win….

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