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Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.

— Winston Churchill

Introducing Dear Ol’ Dad

If you’ve stopped by recently, you may recall that Dear Ol’ Mom filed an official complaint … about my blog, and she has demanded that I spend as much time teasing my father in ‘09 as I did teasing her in ‘08. To be totally candid, my mom scares the pee out of me when she’s mad. She’s down right nasty and mean when she’s stewing on a perceived slight or transgression, so I have no choice but to be a good and obedient daughter. I hate it when she calls and uses my middle name … in her mom voice … in that voice … Tricia Lynn, and I instantly wish the telephone would mysteriously disconnect.

But before I start picking on Dad, I though the least I can do is provide an official introduction. So, Dear Readers, I’d like you to meet Doug. He’s the handsome one in the bow tie.

This seems like a good time to point out that this picture was taken during my sister’s wedding, which is the only time I’ve actually seen my dad in a tuxedo. You may be wondering why he wore a penguin suite to my sister’s wedding and not to mine? Well, yea, I’m wondering too. The only plausible answer is that my sister has her daddy completely wrapped around her cute little finger, but I digress. No hard feelings here, really. Some day I’ll tell you about when he told me he’d pay for my first wedding, but not the second, and he said it with a straight face before I was EVER even married!

Here he is again. Dad loves to dance and he’s been known to tear up the dance floor until his feet are literally bleeding. That’s me in the brown dress and my beautiful sister in her bridal glory. Dad was dancing with me but here she is honing in on my moment. My little sis is a goodie-two-shoes, but don’t tell her I said so, okay?

I have to admit that teasing my dad in such a public forum is a tad frightening. I’ll have to ease my way into this. Although my mom is down right bitchy when she’s mad, I can hang up on her. My dad … well, he doesn’t exactly get mad, he gets even. He’s the King of Revenge, plus he knows the Easter Bunny.

To muster the much-needed courage for such an undertaking, I took a few swigs of whiskey before sitting down to compose this post. Now that I’m all grown up older, at least I’m drinking my own booze. Not that I ever drank his or anything.

Dad: Really! I wasn’t the one who used to pour your moonshine whiskey on the kitchen counters and light it on fire. And it definetly wasn’t me who drank that nasty stuff. That was Amy and Laura, and they always did it when I wasn’t looking. I swear!! I was so busy doing my homework that I didn’t have time to raid your liquor cabinet or hide boys in my closet, in case you’re wondering.

Actually, I didn’t have to hide boys. My dad did a pretty good job of scaring the crap out of everyone I brought home for dinner, and they usually decided to hide themselves.

Dad had this one story he loved to tell. You see there was this pig, yes a pig, a really big pig, that for some reason, some how, offended my dad. What’s a young man with bare hands the size of porcupines supposed to do in the face of an ornery snouted animal? Apparently punch it. The pig died instantly. Every time my father told this story he’d clasp and unclasp his hand like he was looking for someone else to punch. I can’t even begin to tell you how much pleasure Dad had watching 16-year-old boys turn into whimpering idiots.

Now that we’ve completed formal introductions, I feel much better about turning my father into blog fodder.

Next, I’ll tell you how Dear Ole Dad permenantly cured me from ever wanting another Christmas tree in my house, and then I’ll tell you about the bottle of champagne from my wedding that he stashed away, why he kept it, and what he did with it. Maybe I’ll even tell you about the night he came home and kept trying to pull my mom’s pants down in the middle of the kitchen, while she was on the phone with her mother discussing tights and stockings. Oh and let’s not forget, I absolutely HAVE to tell you about the completely inappropriate songs he used to sing to me when I was a child.

This will be fun … dangerous, but fun.

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42 comments to Introducing Dear Ol’ Dad

  • kristy

    Okay so if you read this blog then you obviously know that Tricia likes to put a spin on things and we all know that Dad was dancing with me and Tricia just joined in as not to feel left out. Oh and the goodie-Two-shoes thing is so off base. I simply learned from all her crazy mistakes and didn’t get caught like she did. ie: the liquir cabinet and the boys in the closet, I just didn’t bring them home…. It was much safer to go to friends houses. As for the liquor cabinet dad, she used to raid it all the time and when she figured out that you were on to her and that you started marking the bottles well yeah… she filled them back up with water.

  • You are a brave brave woman (but very funny!)
    Your dad should be proud he produced such a witty writer with such a good memory. Or maybe that should be, your dad should be worried to death he produced such a . . . .

    Taras last blog post..I love you, but

  • Oh yes, INAPPROPRIATE SONGS!

    garys last blog post..loops and hoops!

  • Tricia

    Kristy: oh dear little sis. Please note that he’s looking at ME and smiling in that picture. It’s quite obvious that he was dancing with ME. Oh yea, and about filling the liquor bottles with water…what happened to having my back? I see the gloves are off, huh.

    Tara: I don’t think he’s worried, but I’m shaking a little. He keeps threatening to have a cow delivered to my back yard…and I live in Suburbia, you know, where no agricultural animals are allowed.

    Gary: I promise to oblige.

  • donna

    Ok Tricia Lynn…… If you are going to percieve me as a bitch then watch out baby girl…. and the look on your sisiters face says it all now doesn’t it.. that omg look that says I can’t belive that you just cut in on my father daughter dance. Always stealing the lime light.

    You know that you got thoese creative genes from me!!! now go on and tell the truth.

    And remember that your Dad now reads this blog so be very careful Tricia Lynn .

    FYI to everyone I am not as bad as Tricia portrays me to be.
    I was tough …. but someone had to be or you would have turned out a whole lot different, now wouldn’t you?

    However I do agree that Kristy does have your Dad wrapped around her little finger. That part is the only truth in the whole unsorted story.

    LOL
    XOXOX

  • I don’t know which is more fun to read, the post or the comment thread. Your family is a hoot!

    phhhsts last blog post..2009: Walking the High Wire

  • Jan

    I love your Mom.

    Your Dad sounds like a HOOT.

    You are gorgeous in that brown dress.

    Oh, the envy, the envy. We are positively pea green with it today.

    Jans last blog post..Reason #354 I’m Proud These People Call Me “Mom”

  • Oh boy! This is going to get crazy quick, isn’t it? I wish you luck Tricia and I hope everyone takes your teasing with good humor. And I also hope that your dad doesn’t take revenge!

  • Tricia

    Donna: I know, right! Can you believe how Kristy still sucks up to Dad? Maybe when she hits 30, she’ll finally mature! What do you mean nothing is true? You mean Dad made up that pig story? I don’t think so. And the creative gene, yea I guess it did come from you, but thankfully that’s THE ONLY thing we have in common. XOXO

    phhhst: “Hoot” is a good descriptor. Actually, we’re just the average dysfunctional group of relatives.

    Jan: I love my mom too, but let’s keep that just between the two of us, otherwise she’ll think I’m getting all soft or something.

    Kristy: Does this mean you’re going to start your own blog? You’re getting a little too sassy for your own good. You seem to forget I’m the older sister, and the favorite child!

    WickedStepMom: Crazy is right. It’s a good thing I live 1200 miles away from them all. I suppose my parents could lose their sense of humor at some point, but their memories are failing so I should be back in their good graces fairly soon.

  • You dad is a trueblue cutie. Dad teasing is a sport at our house!

    Mrs. G.s last blog post..Eighteen: Finally Old Enough To Buy Dry Ice

  • kristy

    Oh no, I am not starting my own blog, I can just come onto yours and pick at you and it is way more fun. I don’t suck up to dad… I don’t have to. Sassy is a good trait and I think that I learned it from you so watch what you are teaching your little man because he will perfect the art of sass and he will get the best of both of us. My cuttie is only seven months old so she can’ sass me yet but i’m sure my day is coming and she will be all too good at it as well. I think I will have to fight you on the favorite child status though.

  • I was gonna say something about silly dads but I don’t want to get caught in the sister-sister crossfire.

    (Loving it, though – I have two sisters and we do the same thing…along with plenty of snarking about the Ps.)

    Violets last blog post..2008 in retrospect

  • Old Doug is a real character! I can’t wait to hear more!!

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Swimming With the Fishes

  • Amy

    Hey hold it one minute, what are you talking about – Everyone knows I do NOT drink!!!!!!

    Your mom and dad both have a very special place in my heart, I love hearing old stories and chatter back and forth. Hey, you guys know that I never was boy crazy or drink happy, never, never!!! (At least this is what I keep telling my kids)

    Oh and Kristy: You know us older sisters have to be bossy, when those younger ones get everything they want!!!!

    Amys last blog post..Mr. Funny Guy

  • Amy

    Woops! I forgot … inappropriate songs, my dad had lots of these … I wonder if there was a class for boys on them …

    Doug, do you know one about a little birdy on a window sill?

    Amys last blog post..Mr. Funny Guy

  • I feel like I’m peeking in on old family movies. Thanks! I’ll come back with popcorn.

    Hilarys last blog post..Thank You, Blogger

  • Tricia

    Mrs. G.: Maybe the blog world should institute a good sport awards to all the dads out there.

    Kristy: Oh yes. I can’t wait until your delicious little girl learns to sass. You can count on me to help her learn the family tradition. As for fighting over the favorite child title, I suppose we could split it and call it even. Since you’re already daddy’s little girl, and I’m mom’s favorite anyway :o )

    Violet: Sisters are the most special gifts, at least in my humble opinion, but I’m not sure I could handle more than one!

    Heather: The sky hasn’t fallen yet today, so I think that means you’ll be hearing more on the topic of Doug.

    Amy: Wait a minute here. The key to your whole comment is that you don’t drink NOW, but we’re in our 30s…it’s OK to fess up. Your kids don’t read my blog, right? I don’t think I’ve ever heard the birdy on the window sill…but there did used to be this one about tying a piece of anatomy to a tree.

    Hilary: I love popcorn mixed with M&Ms, please do come back. My dad though, he’s had dentures since he was 14 and can’t eat popcorn. Oh gosh, that just made me think of another whole post I can write about how he used to freak me out by taking his teeth out of his head. I tried to convince him to do it for Aaron’s benefit recently, but he apparently has more empathy for his grandchildren than his children :o )

  • Yay! Write on, Tricia. How lucky we are you found yourself with such interesting parents. Sure does make for some colorful reading in the blog world. If dear old dad does manage to get even with you, I hope he is considerate enough to let us watch.

    Lisa Ps last blog post..This Will Probably Sound Dumb

  • Can’t wait to read the next installment of Daddy Dearest.

    patoiss last blog post..Haiku: Skin

  • donna

    From Tricia’s Dad: There are a few errors in your story. If you are going to tell them tell them correctly. (and you talk about my memory) I punched Mr. Dunbar’s bull and no I did not kill it, but I did knock it out. however I did hit a pig with a 2×4 and yes it did kill it. What is a person to do when it comes at you and means business. It was your grandfather’s pig and he is still mad at me. It was unintentional. I will correct your memory more later when I have more time. I don’t know what songs you are talking about. HAHAHA. Oh and let me mention the gallon of milk that you spilled on the floor of your mothers saab and then blamed it on your friends.
    we found out that you were mixing it with booze, and remember the stench that it left in the car when it warmed up. Enough for tonight but watch out for the repercussions.
    love you Dad

  • Tricia

    Lisa: Please, you’re not supposed to encourage HIM.

    Patois: Me either, gosh it’s like a pressure cooker.

    Dad: Bull, pig…what’s the difference? Perhaps I was too engrossed in watching my boy friends turn red with fear while you were purposefully intimidating them. I guess I should be thankful you didn’t start up a chainsaw at the kitchen table just to make a point, or meet them at the door with a butcher knife, hah, that actually would have been funny. Oh yea, about that milk … that was my friend LAURA, she was a bad influence, remember? I was the designated driver, how could I have been mixing anything? I PROMISE.

  • I love the pictures! I didn’t know if you could top your Donna stories but your dad sounds like he makes for some very interesting stories. Can’t wait to hear about about the champagne.

    Smart Mouth Broads last blog post..ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS

  • Are your parents looking to adopt? Because I’m totally available. I swear I’ll keep my room clean and do my own laundry and I even promise *crosses fingers* not to raid the liquor cabinet.

    Sammanthias last blog post..Merry (Belated) Christmas

  • Wowie! Great post! It looks like your Dad is already evening the score (Hi Dad!), heheh. Can’t wait to read more!

    You lit moonshine on the kitchen counter? Whoa…. :D

    goodfathers last blog post..A pirate’s story

  • Your dad’s, in fact, your entire family’s hilarious! and so cute!! The love you have for each other is so obvious!

    Welcome back!!!!

    xoxoxoxo

    Brandygirls last blog post..Fuck A Duck

  • Sounds like Dad is going to be great blog fodder and I can’t wait for “the rest of the story”. :)

    Midlife Slicess last blog post..Good Food Without The Whine This Time

  • Tricia

    SMB: Oh yes, the champagne is a good one!

    Sammanthia: I’d love to have you for a sister. Our boys can play together while we pretend not to raid the liquor cabinet, which of course unlike my own sister, I won’t rat you out for doing.

    goodfather: It used to burn with rainbow colors. We wasted a lot of good stuff that way, stupid kids that we were.

    Brandygirl: Thanks! It’s unfettered sarcasm that is being passed from generation to generation in my family.

    Midlife Slices: The more I think about it, he’s even better blog fodder than mom, since she gets so cranky, you know?

  • Go easy on Dad. We fathers have to stick together.

    Mocha Dads last blog post..The Beagle Has Landed – Part I

  • donna

    TRICIA LYNN !!!!!!
    Cranky….. uhhhhh you aint seen nothing yet!!!!!!

    XOXOX

  • I wish I’d had a father like yours, although I could do without the pig story…

    Looking forward to hearing you dish more dirt on dear ole dad :D

    Jane @ Kidzaramas last blog post..A Bird in the… What?

  • oh lordy. sweet stuff. I want to know about the champagne bottle! And any man who can wear a bow tie like that, well…he’s fabulous!

    movin’ down the roads last blog post..All the Beaches

  • kristy

    Go dad on setting the story straight! Oh… I forgot about the rotten milk smell in the car, it smelled forever. The mixer was kahlua but it Laura….. of course. So i’m not sure if I want to split the tile but I will give it some tought. Thanks for wanting to help Hannah learn to sass me. I’m not so sure that is a wise threat considering Aaron can already talk and is a quick study. This could get ugly, you may want to take cover and duck with mom on the war path saying that you haven’t seen anything yet and dad threatning to tell the other side of all your stories. You may have opened a can of worms bigger than you wanted. But I am happy to sit on the side lines and watch the fire. I’m still upset that you had to cut in on the father daughter dance….
    But in all seriouseness I do think that sisters are the best thing as well and i’m glad that you don’t have two either because you would have to choose your favorite and you know that it would be a battle with the other one.

  • Tricia

    Mocha Dad: Oh yea, going easy is a promise, kind of.

    Donna: See what I mean–CRANKY! I’ve now been threatened my both my mother and my sister on the same blog post…bring it on XOXOXO

    Jane: The pig story, I know, yikes.

    Movin’ down the road: I think dear old dad will like “fabulous”…champagne story coming soon, promise.

    Kristy: Unfortunately, Aaron doesn’t need any help in the sass department. He actually mooned me yesterday. He learned that from you, didn’t he?

  • COWS AND PIGS, OH MY! I love it!

    garys last blog post..our hero Patrick Swayze checks in

  • Yep…totally jealous here that the rest of your family can read and write.

    And I can’t wait to hear about the inappropriate songs. Go Dad!

    Margaret (Nanny Goats)s last blog post..And Boy, Are My Arms Tired. No, really.

  • Laura

    how is that the milk always comes back to haunt us???? you would have thought that some of our other shenanigans would have overshadowed this one… then again they certainly did not smell as bad… xoxoxox

  • What great memories you share of your dad. I look forward to hearing more of these stories!

    Loris last blog post..Guest Post

  • Tricia

    Gary: this fits right in with the pottery!

    Margaret: I didn’t even know we could all read and write until I started blogging.

    Laura: they keep bringing up the milk because they haven’t got anything else…

    Lori: It’s all rather traumatizing, I must say.

  • donna

    Tricia and Laura…. Do you really want me to start bringing up the other stories? I don’t think so!
    Besides the milk stunk so bad that it is the one that sticks in my head the most.
    Laura go out and spill some milk in your car, I assure you that you will never forget it!!!!
    XOXOX

  • Laura

    Um Tricia… I know you have not completely lost your memory… nothing else??? mmm I fear that you have left the door wide open for your ever so wonderful, beautiful, loving best apple pie baking mom in the world….

    WAIT… what’s that you are thinking Tricia? me kissing up to the one woman who probably remembers it all better than us??? YES you are right….

    oh and Amy, maybe you had better limit your beautiful children’s viewing of this blog… it looks as though things are starting to get a little reveling…

    love to you all!

  • Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Maury Povich is probably scrambling to get you guys on the show to work out this blog fodder stuff. I know I’d watch. :)

    Lisa Ps last blog post..What Ya Don’t Want To Smell

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