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Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.

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You Can Call it Spanking…

If a man is upset with something his wife says or does and he hits her, we call it abuse. If a mother is upset with something her child says or does and she hits him, we call it spanking.

Whatever term we use to help make the act more digestible, the act is still the same. It’s hitting a child. The very idea of physical discipline is based on an adult using his or her larger physique and power to intimidate and force someone much smaller and weaker into a state of compliance. In Western culture, we publicly frown at people who use their physical power to dominate someone smaller, yet when it comes to our children we take a pass, turn our heads, and call it spanking.

I’ve not been able to figure out why our society still debates the acceptability of hitting children. We agree children should not hit each other. We agree that adults should not hit each other. Yet we strongly disagree about whether or not adults should hit children. How will we get to a point where we agree that children’s bodies are their own, and violating those bodies, regardless of what we call the violation is fundamentally wrong?

“Despite the rise of the timeout and other nonphysical forms of punishment, most American parents hit, pinch, shake, or otherwise lay violent hands on their youngsters writes Alan E. Kazdin, John M. Musser professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University and director of Yale’s Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, 63 percent of parents physically discipline their 1- to 2-year-olds, and 85 percent of adolescents have been physically punished by their parents. Parents cite children’s aggression and failure to comply with a request as the most common reasons for hitting them.”

Parents aren’t the only ones who spare the rod. CNN reports corporal punishment in schools remains legal in 21 U.S. states and is used frequently in 13: Missouri, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and Florida, according to data received from the Office for Civil Rights at the U.S. Department of Education.

Adults who use physical discipline cite its effectiveness, and it is true that hitting a child normally provides a quick fix and momentarily ends a certain behavior. This expediency is also why adults find themselves hitting children again and again. The quick fix conditions adults to embrace that fleeting feeling of victory but does absolutely nothing to teach a child how to positively modify her behavior. I doubt there’s a parent out there who supports corporal punishment but who’s also only hit their children once for the same behavior.

Hitting a child teaches her what not to do, but it doesn’t teach her an alternate behavior. You want your child to stop speaking to you disrespectfully, so you slap his face and the sassy-talk stops. You want your toddler to stop dumping her spaghetti on the floor, so you pop her on the bum and she keeps her plate on the table. Mission accomplished, right? Wrong. Perhaps you’ve delivered the message loud and clear that this particular behavior is unacceptable, but you’ve failed to show your child what is acceptable and you’ve missed an opportunity to help him develop better communication, coping and behavioral skills. You’ve failed to teach your child how to do it right.

My favorite argument from spanking enthusiasts is, “I was spanked/paddled/whopped when I was a kid and look how good I turned out.” I suppose the same argument can be used if you grew up with a parent who smoked in the house/car/apartment but you didn’t develop cancer from second hand smoke, so now it’s OK for you to puff away while your child sits and breathes your fumes. Perhaps your parents didn’t know the safety risks of not using a car seat and you rode unbuckled and unrestrained. Here you are safe and sound…proof that children don’t really need to be buckled in. The logic of … it happened to me so it must be fine for my child … makes little sense in my mind and immediately discredits the argument.

Study after study have shown us that hitting our children is not an effective form of discipline and in fact it does more harm than good, but as a society we choose to ignore the research. Why? We still see our children as possessions, objects to which we can do what we want and claim, “It’s in the best interest of the child.” We think hitting children is faster and easier than alternative methods of discipline, and we don’t want to take the time to learn something new. Many parents and educators believe it’s their right, even their responsibility to punish with physical force, and they ignore research that proves spanking produces negative long-term consequences for children, including aggressive, oppositional, anti-social and hyperactive behavior. If appealing to parents and educators based on science isn’t changing attitudes and practices, and if we’re not developing a deeper, more heart-felt conscience regarding parental honor and an expectation to cherish our children, what will it take to end corporal punishment of children?

Launched in 2001, the Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children is advocating for children’s rights around the world. I wish it didn’t take legislative efforts to put an end to the prehistoric idea that hitting our children is an acceptable form or discipline or education, but if this is in fact what it will take, than I’ll add my voice to the cry.

Being a parent is an honor. I have a four-year-old son and the natural trust that exists between a parent and child must be sacred. My husband and I are our child’s barometers of right and wrong. We’re the people willingly charged with the responsibility to keep him safe and to nurture his mind and his body. I simply can’t imagine taking his innocence, his unwavering trust, rolling it into the palm of my hand and slapping him with it.

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October 12th, 2008 | Tags: , , , , | Category: Parenting | 90 comments

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