Remembering to Breath
Have you ever had a difficult time maintaining your sanity? Was there a period in your life when perhaps crazy seemed like a better proposition than your current state of normal.
I had a time like that. It was the five years I spent trying to become a mother. I remember one night specifically when my world was black, my mind was warped with mourning and my body riddled from hormone injections. I was literally peering over the vault of sanity and ready to free-fall into dementia. Succumbing seemed easier than taking one more step as an infertile in a fertile world.
My mind cracked that night. I felt it as my body buckled to the floor and my well of tears ran dry. My husband was helpless and I could feel his hands tremble as he knelt beside me and gently stroked my hair. He tried to wrap me in whispers of hope and massage love into my heart, but I couldn’t hear his promises. While he grasped for straws of comfort, I briefly hated him. The fact that he already had four children, conceived the good old fashioned way with someone else, was a ripping acknowledgment of my own inadequacy as a woman.
The more my psyche spun, the drier my eyes became and I started to hyperventilate. Huge, ugly gasps for air that wouldn’t enter my lungs made suffocation stunning and loud. My husband ran to find a paper bag but our dog, Zach, wouldn’t leave my side. He started to whine and nudge me while gently lapping at my cheek. With all the force I wanted to use to push my husband away, I shoved Zach.
Rather than tuck his tail between his legs and head for safer territory, he kept looking at me. I saw a glimmer of doggy disappointment cross his gentle brow. He knew that if I became a mindless vegetable, there’d be no one to buy him special treats. So before my husband could return with a brown bag or completely panic and call the psyche ward, Zach decided to take things into his own paws. With a fur-flying lunge and cry, he clamped his front teeth onto the back of my arm. The damn dog bit me.
The pain was enough to fill my lungs with air and illicit an excruciating scream. As soon as I started to breath, I swear he barked, “There you little twit, take that. Now get off the floor, get it together and get over yourself, and if you don’t…the next time I’ll draw blood.” He turned around and sashayed over to his favorite sleeping place leaving me to contemplate his obvious wisdom and my husband wondering why he was still holding the bag.
Whenever I need to remember to breathe, I think of Zach. What reminds you to breath?
Oooph, Tricia, I have to say I am glad I know the end of your story and your happy, healthy little boy!
With asthma, if I am short of breath, I have a little inhaler, and I know that has nothing to do with the point of your story but it is my only answer!
garys last blog post..the pet in my head
I have a hard time remembering to breathe. I think I just stop and think about how lucky I am to have two healthy kids. I just always think to myself, that I really don’t have it so bad. I envision myself at the end of the difficult task that I have ahead of me, whether it’s a deadline or just finding the nearest restroom so I don’t pee my pants.
steenky bee (jenboglass)s last blog post..Um…
I think of the people who would miss me if I wasn’t here.
Smalltown Moms last blog post..A Day in the Country
My kids, they remind me to breathe. They keep me grounded, and sane… I joke about them driving me crazy, but I think if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be the person I am today, which is a much stronger person than I was 12 years ago.
Sammanthias last blog post..Weekly Winners… The Things We Do For Love
What a great read! Give Zach a biscuit! My cats would just look at me with disdain for interrupting their precious sleep.
Light has always been my dog bite. In moments like that darkness is not my friend. Darkness allows my mind to forget the other things in my life other than whatever is so overwhelming. I turn on the light and put myself smack dab in front of a mirror. Watching myself lose it seems to be the best way to put an end to the carnage.
Lisa Ps last blog post..Grandpa’s Secret
I try to think of the people that are a lot worse off than I am and be thankful for what I have in life. But you always make me stop and think with your writing. I can just picture Zach duing that to you.
Zach was a very smart dog. I can still feel the bite that he gave me when Ashley and I were playing, she screamed and Zach didn’t like it, he thought that I was hurting her.
Dogs just know. He didn’t want to see you hurting any more and took the only recorse that he knew. It worked. I am so glad that thoese days are behind you. Aaron is the greatest, you were very blessed.
Pets are wonderful that way. My kids keep me breathing.. but as they’re mostly-grown, I can feel that old shortness of breath happening from time to time.. more often than I like.
Hilarys last blog post..The Road (more or) Less Traveled
Everyone needs a Zach in their life, don’t they? I got tears in my eyes reading your post, though. I know what pregnancy hormones did to my moods, so I can imagine what pumping yourself full of hormones during the infertility treatment did to yours. I bet you really did feel like you were coming unglued.
Give Zach an ear rub for me.
HeatherPrides last blog post..Prince Charming Dot Com
oh the wisdom of pets, and dogs in particular…i’ve had mine stand by me thru some pretty rough times, and they always try their level best to help when i’m in a meltdown moment…the girls in particular, are very cuddly and sympathetic when i’m losing it, the boys are a little less comfortable with it…just like male ‘hoomins’…
great story!
thistles last blog post..My Mother Would Never Believe This…
I love my Scooter - he would defend me against a rabid grizzly bear. I’m so glad Zach was there for you, my friend.
As for being at the edge the abyss, looking into madness, well, maybe I’ll blog about it sometime. It’s been many years. These days, the things that keep my breathing are my kids and Beloved. I know I wouldn’t know what to do without them, and sincerely think (hope) they feel the same about me. I’m not abandoning them.
Jans last blog post..The Games We Play
What a beautiful dog! He’s gorgeous!
Oh — a year ago I felt like I was on the brink. I was in so much physical pain, and had been for so long I just couldn’t bear it any longer. Just breathing hurt so much I couldn’t stand it. I still don’t know how I got thru it. I honestly think it was the fact that I knew my kids needed me. I forced myself to just take it one breath at a time. Awful, awful memories.
Twenty Four At Hearts last blog post..Sex or Cookies?
Never underestimate the wisdom of a dog!
I’m pretty sure that most everyone has come close once or twice and looked into that dark tunnel. I my self spend a good deal of time teetering on the fence. There is such fine line between sanity and insanity.
Smart Mouth Broads last blog post..THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
From the beginning, you had me at HELLO and I really couldn’t breathe. My heart ached for you, understanding the pain and feeling the tears.
But I have to say the ending’s really amazing. Your dog’s such a sweetie…what would we ever do without our furry babies.
ps I tell myself to breathe again after every boring, normal scan.
Brandygirls last blog post..Boobie Jokes Gone Wrong!
What a great dog. What a great story. I think in the same situation, it would be my dog that fixed me.
Ny kids, wanting to live a long life, and not wanting a reaccurance of cancer reminds me to take long, slow, deep breaths.
phhhsts last blog post..Kindergartners. Just ten years later.
God bless that dog. He’s a smart one. I wonder if your husband would have bit you had you physically pushed him away?
patoiss last blog post..The Death of Television
Family and friends … usually a very best friend that says you can do it!!! Like so many others my children and husband are also a huge reminder!
You bring tears to my eyes and my breathe away when I read your story! Zach is wonderful, sometimes dogs just know how to snap you out of it BUT I would also like to say that your husband is precious too, I know he was doing all he could and will continue to do all he can because he loves you so much!
Amys last blog post..VOTE - Are you registerd?
Wow! What a great, great dog. And husband.
Hey, I have an award for you! Please come by my blog to get it.
goodfathers last blog post..The Shed - Trailer
Wow, that’s like a pooch version of a slap in the face! How smart that he would know that you needed that.
I don’t know what reminds me to breathe. I think just myself. I used to have panic attacks, when I felt like I wasn’t in control of anything. Now I know not to let myself get that way.
Funny we both mentioned breathing today in our posts. lol
Wendys last blog post..Suspicious Eyes
Oh hon, what a sweet, sad, and funny story, all at once! I’m so glad I was reading it knowing you have a cutie patootie little boy.
Lately when I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with work (everyday) I think of my daughter and the joy she brings to my life. It helps me relax and unclench my jaw a bit…
hugs,
Steph
Steph @ Problem Solvin Moms last blog post..Menu Plan Monday
My guy stops me sometimes and says “you need to breathe, take a deep breath”. He notices when I stop or when I am not breathing normally. It’s nuts. But it’s lovely. Your man sounds good good.
stepping over the junks last blog post..Prices
[...] stopped by here a couple of days ago. I followed her back to her blog. And I read this - a story about her dog Zach and how he reminds her to breathe. That is when it occurred to me that [...]