Daddy Guilt?
Do you know any men who have expressed a male version of “mommy guilt”? Not just wanting to spend more time with the kids, but feeling extremely torn between professional responsibilities and their family life?
What about men who wish they could stay at home, but can’t for financial reasons or fear of social retribution, do you know any?
If you don’t know any personally, do you think there’s a significant contingent of men who do have daddy guilt? Or is parenting guilt, ie: mommy guilt, a female invention?
Hi Trica, I used to feel this quite a lot. I’ve got four little ones and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. A change in circumstances has allowed that to happen and it’s great.
I do have some issues about not being the breadwinner, but I recognise that I contribute in other valuable ways.
I have absolutely no concerns about my peer group pressure or very outdated attitudes of those who would decry my recent choice to be a stay at home dad.
This is some of the hardest work I’ve done in my life, and the successful achievement of that work brings me great satisfaction.
Thanks
Dave
I do think this is a real issue. I think that it is often overlooked and frowned upon and therefore not spoke of, although I think it is becoming more common.
As a stay at home mom of five children, I try to make the time with dad home the best it can be BUT the reality is that it is a much smaller amount of time with the children.
Our goal, hopefully before the children are too old is to be in a situation where we can both have time with the children … maybe both work part time! Ideally we would like to be much more self sustaining so that our ‘work’ can take place from our home, providing more family time with the whole family!
Thanks for bringing this up because I think too often fathers really get overlooked as parents and this is really sad!
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I am a house husband and I don’t give a sh!t what anybody thinks. 11 plus years! It works!
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Tricia, Case in point. Being at home this morning and after leaving my comment above, I was able to see the youngest of my four walk for the first time. She’s been late getting going but she’ll be running before too long. I’m a proud Daddy today!
When our book “Mommy Guilt” came out in 2005, we were one of the few to mention Daddy Guilt actually exists. As time has gone our survey has held it’s own and what we predicted back then is now happening. More dads are involved with carework than ever before. Whether it be for kids or their own parents, men are getting louder and prouder about their involvement with their kids. And no surprise here, more guilt is being discussed related to fatherhood. (And yes, we’ll be addressing it in a future book called Daddy Guilt. Makes sensse given the title of our first book. Check our website for updates if interested.)
So no, we do not believe it’s a mom invention, it’s a valid parental emotion. Just for some parents guilt is more debilitating than for others and what may induce the guilt differs along gender lines too at times, but recently those lines have become more blurred. What we love is men and women are talking about their parental angst which will help others who may be experiencing it know “Hey, I’m not nuts, I’m normal.”
Congratulations, Dave! What a great moment for you to celebrate, and thanks for sharing it. Getting to participate in all those “firsts” is wonderful. My husband and I both work from home, and he was able to see many of our son’s firsts.
I know my Bear feels daddy guilt. Especially when he has to work extra to make sure that the girls have school clothes.
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One of the things I wish I could steal from my husband is his lack of guilt. He just doesn’t go there. Me, I work not to live there.
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My husband would love to be a SAHD, but he doesn’t feel guilt or anything about not doing so. He’s told me many times that guilt is a “woman thing.”
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my exhusband believes that I should be working outside of the home and not be with the kids and there should be a nanny staying with the kids while he works and while I work outside of the home. He thinks my business is stupid, even though it supplements my child support, and I should be working as a secretary to make more income (since that is all I have ever done for the most part, other than my creative design business) so he doesn’t have to pay child support. He feels no guilt. Cancelling weekends and visits with the kids but being resentful that i am the one there caring for them while he is doing other things that are a top priority. Maybe he feels guilt and that’s how he expresses it., I dont know.,
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I think it’s inherently female. But, I do think men experience it at times – more in the “I’m the provider” sense than what us women feel.
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Great thing to ponder. I never thought about it much. My husband works from home now so we are both always around. We love the family time we have. As for your question, I imagine either could feel an element of guilt. Women have more to deal with, however. Women are much more likely to have the opinions of others on the matter added to their own personal feelings.
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I would think that guilt would stem from whatever the person feels his or her responsibility is. If a father feels he should be with his kids more and isn’t, he’ll feel guilty. This can come just from working long hours at the office, let alone the normal 8 hours. If a father feels he should be working to support the family and isn’t, he’ll feel guilty about that.
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I don’t know, but I’m probably guilty of sending my husband on a guilt trip or two about the amount of time he devotes to his job!! (I know, bad!)
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Tricia, Thanks. It was great to see her walking, and even better today because she’s so pleased with her new found skill. Of course it means I’m running around a lot more trying to keep her out of mischief.
I’ve been thinking about the guilt thing a little bit more and realise that much of my guilt came from walking out of the door in the morning and leaving my wife with four kids to deal with. This was especially true whilst she was nursing. I could see she was exhausted but there was nothing I could do, I had to go to work. I also felt bad when I had to stay late at work. I now know what it’s like to wait all day hoping for 5pm to arrive so that your partner can take some of the burden, only to get a phone call saying they’ll be late. Sounds silly but sometimes it can be a bit crushing.
I have to say that I’ve also felt what Margaret describes above. It’s a tough balance.
Dave.
I think there is definitely a cultural element involved in Mommies feeling slightly more guilty about having interests and responsibilities that extend beyond child care. but I know plenty of men who endure those feelings as well.
When i was a baby Dad’s were not as active in their kids lives as they are now so things may change a bit. But even way back then, my dad was working two jobs but would come home between shifts, read us a bedtime story, then grab a sandwich before rushing off to the second job.
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Great feedback here, thanks. I’ve been trying to get my husband to let me pick his brain about changes in attitude at they relate to fathering for an article I want to write. He has five children ages 35, 34, 24, 21, & 4. He’s literally parenting three generations. The impressions and stories his kids have are very different from each other, and his self-expectations as well as the expectations of society have shifted tremendously. I May just have to strap him to a chair and bribe him with chocolate chip cookies.