Cinderella and Her Legacy
Rather than use my name, my signature line in emails to my youngest step daughter most often reads, with Love from Your Wicked Step Mom. She’s recently started referring to me as The Evil One.
To people looking in, the references seem symbolic of missing slippers and cold-hearted angst between a young woman and an old crow. For us, it’s all tongue-in-cheek. My stepdaughter and I decided long ago that all the nastiness typical of step mother and daughter relationships wasn’t necessarily intrinsic, and it wasn’t for us. We wanted a kinder, gentler thing. Well, I wanted a kinder, gentler thing. She was eight when I met her and I suspect she was just really impressed that I can bake.
When my husband and I met 13 years ago, he was adamant that he never wanted to get married and he absolutely did not want more children. Notched deeply on his emotional belt were two failed marriages and four children. He was not going down that road again. I was 23, we were crazy in love, and I wanted a dog not a baby. I really didn’t care if we officially tied the knot as long as we remained committed, honest and totally smitten.
After two years, he decided to step out on a limb and he proposed. In addition to health insurance, our marriage provided me with a new title. Instead of being the girlfriend, I was now the stepmother. I had always cringed a little when the kids introduced me as their dad’s girlfriend. The title seemed so shallow. “Girlfriend” implied there wasn’t a deep and significant relationship with my guy, or his children, although neither assumption would have been true. “Stepmother” on the other hand brings its own suitcase of assumptions, most of which are equally negative.
Titles help people to understand relationships. If I introduced you to my husband and simply said, “I’d like you to meet Kim”, well, it just falls flat. My husband and I have a four-year-old son, Aaron, and I love it when people introduce me as Aaron’s mom. It’s simple, it immediately sets the relationship in the appropriate context, and it doesn’t imply any type of wickedness and turmoil, or prompt questions about family dynamics.
I’m not particularly fond of the stepmother title. The negative associations are a fairy tale’s legacy. Stepmothers get a bad wrap, even when we’re not wicked, the trait is implied and assumed. I may just insist my stepchildren start introducing me as The Evil One and be done with it.
My wife’s father really DID marry an evil one, but she ended up with swiss cheese for brains so that solved THAT problem…
garys last blog post..jars big and little!
I liked my stepmother. She was married to my dad for 10 years. I kept in touch with her for years afterwards, but I haven’t heard from her in a couple years. I hope she’s OK.
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Good grief, we have a lot in common. Neither Beloved nor I wanted to marry again – it took us 9 years to finally tie the knot. His daughters literally did see me as The Evil One for many years, although over the last couple of years our relationships have improved – drastically, in fact, with his older daughter.
I also had a problem with the whole “girl friend” stigma; you’re right, it implies a more shallow relationship than we truly had. For the last several years, we referred to each other as “significant other” but that often left people wondering if we were in a same-sex relationship. LOL
You know what’s really odd? After 8 months of marriage, I still have to catch myself sometimes or I’ll sign my previous name (which was mine for 25 years) and when Beloved refers to me as his wife, it just seems…weird. I guess I was just single for waaaaaay too long – when we married, I’d been divorced for longer than I’d been married the first time.
Jams last blog post..Having a Gay Ol’ Time
My mother remarried when I was three my dad (step dad) was (he passed away years ago) the very best! During those teenage years I did take advantage of the ‘your not my father’ bit BUT he always was my dad!!! I now sometimes have a hard time communicating about my biological father because I do not know how to address him. Relationships can be so tough.
Oh and my 13 year old calls me ‘Evil’ all the time!!!!
Jan: good grief is right! And the “significant other” title? Since my husband’s name is Kim, I was quite sure that when ever anyone got our voice mail at home, they thought they were calling a lesbian couple….”Hi, you’ve reached Tricia and Kim.
I love my stepmother. She is the warmest soul I know. I think the relationship you have with your stepdaughter is fabulous. And I couldn’t agree more how important it is to anchor the relationship with a familial title. It makes it clear no one is an outsider or third wheel. I think it also sets the tone for how members of everyone’s extended family will embrace the new addition.
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Well.. uhm… I am not even sure how to chime in on this one. My blog handle is a very tongue in cheek reference to what the kids call me. They even helped me work on the Wicked Step-Mother laugh.
The girls have taken to call me, thier [insert my name here]. “This is my [name here], she is my dad’s girlfriend.”
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We have a “blended family.” Noah calls my husband and his biological father both Daddy. When he’s with us and his talking about his other dad, he calls him Daddy Treye, and vice versa. I don’t like the connotation of “step-whatever” and “half-brother/sister.” We’re all a family. I’ve also told Noah that if he wants to call his new step-mother “mom” I’m okay with it. Although really? It would sort of rip me apart on the inside. Just a little.
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WickedStepMom: I love how your girls preface your first name with “My”. How tender-hearted is that! My oldest stepson came up with his own term of endearment and simply calls me T. And since he’s only nine months younger than I am, he only calls me his stepmother when he’s trying to make me feel old.
Wendy: I also don’t like the half-sibling reference. It sounds weird. You’re much nicer than I am about the mom title. I’d die inside if my son wanted to call another woman “Mom”, but I think it very much depends on the circumstances and what each person is comfortable with. If the parent (like Amy’s father or WickedStepMom’s wife-in-law) is non-participatory, then it’s a whole different story, and it just seems natural that the step parent assumes the traditional, parental relationship and title. My step children have moms who love them very much, so I think out of respect for their mothers, I’d be uncomfortable encouraging my step children to call me mom.
I think that’s awesome, I wish I liked mine. Even a little.
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For some of my friends growing up, if it hadn’t been for their step parents they wouldn’t have had any mother or father figures in their lives at all! Sometimes a “step” is a real Godsend!
HeatherPrides last blog post..It’s Not Easy Being Green
as with so many other elements of our culture, the nomenclature used to describe relationships in blended families is sorely outdated and in need of a bit of freshening.
Blended families are now the norm and we need better ways of referring to family members without the derogatory connotations.
judy haley (coffeejitters)s last blog post..Boat Dog
This post is close to the heart. My dad remarried and I can’t stand the bitch. I call her, DESPICABLE (not infront of her) but it’s my name for her when I talk to my dad about her.
But I do know that there are lovely step parents out there.
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My Mom’s step-mom was evil. The step-mom even stole her paychecks – OY. Although, I know it can go either way; such is life.
We’ve stuck with “boyfriend/girlfriend” even though to me, it sounds immature for a couple in their 50s. Both “significant other” and “partner” can be confused with same sex couples and “nearest and dearest” seems to lower the status of the children somehow. In any event, it appears you have that glass slipper.
My blended family failed. My husband is “Daddy” to my kids – but his daughters simply couldn’t accept another woman in their Daddy’s heart.
The stories I could tell.
It’s all very sad … and I think if more people (family, friends, etc.,) could drop the emphasis on STEP – more blended families could make it work.
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