A Parental Conundrum

August 1st, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

Today I found myself in a bit of a parenting conundrum, and when my son asked me to explain another parent’s behavior to him, I was stumbling for words.

Here’s the scene. My four-year-old, Aaron, and I were invited for some impromptu water play by a mom who’s son goes to the same preschool. Since our neighborhood pool was closed AGAIN because someone pooped in it, a backyard slip-and-slide with a couple of sprinklers sounded like a good idea, and off we went.

The boys were having fun until the other four-year-old walked up to my son and out of no where landed a pretty hefty left hook to Aaron’s chest. The mom immediately demanded that her son apologize, he didn’t want to, the mom got angry, threatened a spanking, counted to three, and since there was no compliance from her little guy, she bent him over and proceeded to spank him. Tears were flowing, the child was humiliated, and with the threat of more physical force, he did offer up the required, “I’m sorry.”

The look on my son’s face was horrific. Not only was he taken aback because he didn’t know why his friend had hit him, he was completely astonished to see an adult hit a child.

“Mommy, hitting isn’t nice, right? And bigger people shouldn’t hit little people, right? Bigger people are supposed to be gentle with smaller people, right? Mommy, why did Joey’s mom hit him? Hands aren’t for hitting, right Mommy?”

If you haven’t already guessed, I don’t agree with spanking. I especially don’t think you can teach children that hitting is wrong by hitting them for hitting, but this isn’t a post about whether or not spanking is an acceptable and effective approach to discipline and education.

I’m not upset that the other boy punched my son. It happens. I don’t like it, but it happens. Bullying or aggressive physical behavior is not acceptable, but Aaron’s certainly done his share of pushing and shoving on the playground. I choose to handle my son’s misbehavior differently than this mom handles her son’s misbehavior.

My question is this:

Have you been in a situation where another parent did something you strongly disagreed with, and if so what did you do and how did you explain the other parent’s behavior to your own children?

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Comment by judy haley (coffeejitters) on 1 August 2008:

I wont pretend like I have any good suggestions, but this conundrum is one that I’ve pondered many times and I don’t even have kids yet. One of the things that concerns me is that a lot of the elderly members of my family make jokes and express views that are bigoted. How do I teach my (as of yet non-existent) child that great-great grandpa is to be treated with respect, yet his views are inappropriate and don’t you dare repeat what he just said.
Comment by Sammanthia on 2 August 2008:

Now that Gage is older, he’s been spending more time at his friends houses than he used to, and a lot of his friends are allowed to watch rated R movies.
I wouldn’t say I’m picky about what my kids watch, I’m pretty laid back, but I don’t think a 12 year old has any business watching “SuperBad”. He hasn’t seen it, but a lot of his friends have, and right now he’s ticked at me because I won’t let him watch it.
I tell him every parent has a right to let their kids watch what they see fit, but in our house, he’s not allowed to watch rated R movies and he needs to check with us even before watching movies that are rated PG-13 (due to a “Dodgeball” incident I won’t go into). He hates it, but that’s always been the rule, so he follows it.
It definately gets harder as they get older because they’re off with their friends, but they know I’ll continue to trust them until they give me a reason not to. So far, it hasn’t been problem.
Notice I said “so far”!

Sammanthias last blog post..Tag! I’m It
Comment by Amy on 2 August 2008:

Be HONEST! Let him know what your beliefs are and why? Although I do believe that children learn a great deal by example, I also think that knowledge is power … if he can say I choose to not do ‘this’ and these are the reasons why, he will have an easier time making the right choices.

Using the movie example that Sammanthias brought up … I too am very fuss about what my children watch. My children have been known to tell their friends things like: “my parents will not let us watch that because there is inappropriate behavior that we do not need to watch” I will say that most other children look at them like they have two heads but are respectful because they handle it in such a honest and matter-a-fact manner.

I think that children deserve respect, honest answers and explanations for actions. It does not make it any easier! I recently had to explain why someone stole my daughters brand new bike that she paid for with her money (we did get it back,from the ditch down the road) but she felt very violated and angry!

Amys last blog post..Me! Me!
Comment by WickedStepMom on 2 August 2008:

This is a particularly sticky topic for me. I often find myself trying to answer the questions of “Why does my mom do that?” I know I always fumble this question. But I try to be as honest as possible. I also try to explain my beliefs without making her look bad. (Which is extremely difficult sometimes.)

I think it is important for him to know that anything a parent does is a choice. And explain why you made the choice you made. Some people think that “they are your children and they should do what they are told and you don’t own them any explainations”. I am not one of those people. I think children learn when you explain your thoughts and logic to them. It lets them make better choices later in life.

WickedStepMoms last blog post..Tag, now I am it!
Comment by Memarie Lane on 2 August 2008:

There was another mom in my playgroup in Florida that had a very extreme view of parenting. She felt that ANY type of discipline is wrong, even simply saying “no.” She said that to say no to a child, no matter what they’re doing, is to hinder and stifle their growth. She basically just followed her son around and took pictures of his mayhem, offering no apologies.

We were at a birthday party once, and the mom of the birthday girl had bought one of those cupcake cakes, and it had a huge plastic Elmo on the top. When it was cake time, she put the Elmo off to the side and began passing out cupcakes. On my way over I accidentally stepped on a kid’s cupcake and I apologized and offered to get him another. So I went to get him a replacement, and there was this mom and her son, who was about 2. Her son had picked up the plastic Elmo and was systematically smashing each and every remaining cupcake. What was his mom doing? Laughing and taking pictures. Only about half the guests had received cupcakes. The birthday girl’s mom was horrified but unsure of what to do.

It wasn’t long before the other moms in the group began to avoid this woman and her son, because they didn’t want their own kids to think such behavior was okay.

I think every parent has the right to discipline within reason as they see fit, including spanking (God knows my son responds to nothing else at times), but when it starts to effect other people’s property and time there’s a problem.

Memarie Lanes last blog post..Confessions of an Expendable Blogger
Comment by Wendy on 2 August 2008:

I would agree with him that hands aren’t for hitting and tell him that every family does things differently.

As for spanking in general, I don’t agree with it. But I have popped Noah when I’ve already done everything else I can think of and he still continues to misbehave. I use it as an absolute last resort, though.

Wendys last blog post..Hide and Seek, No Wait, Tag! You’re It!
Comment by Jan on 2 August 2008:

Oh, yes. The circumstances were the complete opposite of your situation, though.

Darling Daughter can be quite…eloquent. Charming and funny and brilliant, all qualities she inherited from her father, she also inherited his ability to cut with her tongue. She can unerringly find the absolutely most hurtful thing to say at the most hurtful moment.

When she was about 8 or 9 (she is now 21), she was outside playing with other children in the courtyard of the apartment complex we lived in, and began talking smack to a little boy. After awhile of suffering from my daughter’s unabashed verbal assault, the little boy bit her on the arm, hard enough to break the skin and leave a horrible, mouth-shaped bruise.

She came home and cried to me, of course, and after disinfecting the bite, a little investigation revealed my daughter had done something to prompt such behavior. I still marched her up to the apartment he lived in and showed her arm to his mother. His mother, instead of acknowledging any wrong-doing on her son’s part, said “You should have HEARD what your daughter was saying to my son! She DESERVED it.” I told her, “You know, if your son goes through life solving his problems with physical violence, he’s going to get into A LOT of trouble.” And walked away with my daughter. The mother stood at the door to her apartment and screamed at us while we walked away.

I was not necessarily sympathetic with my daughter, and she knew it. She said, “Mom, I know you’re mad at me, but why would that lady take up for her kid when she knows he did something wrong, too?” I asked her if she’d listened to the mother yell at us while we walked away, and she said “Well, sure.”

“Do you think that’s the way a grownup should act?”

Her response was immediate, “No!”

“Maybe she acted that way because she was angry and embarrassed, and thought if she blamed everything on you first I wouldn’t be able to say anything bad about her son,” I said. “Maybe she just didn’t know any better. And if she doesn’t know any better, maybe her son doesn’t know any better. But you know what? YOU do.”

Then we had a REALLY long discussion about how it is wrong to resort to violence, other people don’t always realize that and if she didn’t learn to curb her mouth, she was in for some very tough times in her life.

She’s still learning.

Jans last blog post..With a Little Help From Man’s Best Friend
Comment by gary on 2 August 2008:

I don’t think anybody should be spanked. I think the mom should have asked for the apology, but whether the kid complied or not they should have departed right away and the kid sent to his bed with a book for the afternoon.

garys last blog post..Bizarro
Comment by Mrs. Schmitty on 2 August 2008:

That’s a really hard one. I did witness a similar situation with an old friend and her daughter. W. was only about 4 and they had come for a visit. We hadn’t seen each other in years, but because we grew up together I was comfortable enough to take my son by the hand and leave the room. I felt that if she needed to discipline her daughter this way, then she needed privacy. W. too looked horrified and I didn’t think he needed to see it. My old friend, she got the point that I wasn’t happy about it and the tone of the discipline changed.

Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..The Dreaded C Word
Comment by Tricia on 3 August 2008:

I’m honored by the amount of time you took to share your experiences and your thoughts. There are some wonderful tidbits in here that have given me ideas on how to handle different parenting conundrums, which I know will become more difficult as my child grows. I need you all on a parenting panel and as Aaron grows, I can send mass SOS emails to you and say HELP…what do I do NOW??
Comment by Jen on 3 August 2008:

I’m a former spanker. However, I would never have spanked my child in front of another.

Anyway, I’d be honest with him. That you don’t agree with it, but sometimes it happens anyway. Ask him how it felt to see it and tell him that’s why we don’t hit anyone ever. It’s a good lesson for him, and good way to talk about different family values and what you believe in.

This parenting stuff is hard!

Jens last blog post..Yay Boobies!
Comment by Janece on 4 August 2008:

Great conversation here. Parenting really calls us to look at human nature and how we treat each other, doesn’t it? I think several people have spoken to this - but I have to agree with the approach of consistent teaching and expression of the values that you hold to. Telling Aaron that hitting is something that shouldn’t be done by little or big hands is absolutely right. As nice as it feels it would be sometimes, we can’t keep our kids in a bubble filled with our world view’s and ideals. We can, however, give them to tools for interacting with a world who won’t agree with what we think and what we do. The more tools and ability we have to do this and that we teach to our kids, the more successful we and they will be.
Janeces last blog post..Quintessential Pacific Northwest