A Four-Year-Old’s Diversionary Tactics
My four-year-old has an advanced sense of diversionary tactics. In fact his ability to divert attention and make me laugh is so advanced, so perfect, that any 13-year-old would trade his Wii for my son’s talent to drop his mother’s jaw to the floor and clutch my mid section in an attempt not to laugh so hard I’ll pee my pants. And, he can do it in less time than a PMSing woman can eat chocolate.
Take yesterday for example. I’m in the kitchen when all of a sudden I hear Aaron screaming from the bathroom. He sounds so panicked that all I can think is he’s finally dropped the toilet seat and all those plans I have of becoming a grandmother are squashed for good.
I throw open the bathroom door to find him atop the porcelain throne, his face furrowed into an old man’s expression, and his hands white-knuckling the commode seat. Picking up on his panic, I do a quick mom scan for blood, and I’m relieved to see my dreams of grandparenting will live for at least another day.
“Aaron, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you OK?”
“I peed in my eye,” he sobs.
Trying really hard not to laugh, I grab a wash cloth and clean his face, which is just about the time I realize I’m standing in a pool of pee. I look around and see there’s pee everywhere … his pants, the door and the wall are all soaked.
“Aaron what a mess!” I exclaim. “What happened? You’re supposed to point it down.”
Sensing my complete exasperation with the idea of having to once again clean his bathroom, he quickly changes his tone from crying to contemplative.
“Ummm. Mommy. It’s not my fault.”
“Really! Who’s fault is it that there’s pee all over the bathroom?”
Looking down at himself he shrugs and says, “Well. Mommy. I think there’s something wrong with my peepee.”
“Oh really? What exactly is wrong with it?”
“Look. It’s all wrinkly,” he says with mocked concern while regarding his penis as if it’s not even a part of his body— as if it’s something with a mind and life of its own. “It can’t point down,” he explains. “See those wrinkles? That means it’s really, really exhausted. Maybe it’s getting old.”
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Comment by Lisa P on 18 August 2008:
Tricia, I think that one is a Reader’s Digest submission! Classic. Unless, of course, “penis” is too graphic for them.
Lisa Ps last blog post..Duty Calls
Comment by gary on 18 August 2008:
I am told that I hit the doctor’s eye on my one year examination….
garys last blog post..where’s the beef?
Comment by Jenn @ Juggling Life on 18 August 2008:
Too funny. He definitely knows how to work the system.
Did I ever tell you about the time my oldest son vomited INTO HIS DAD’S OPEN MOUTH. Oh yes.
Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Toddlers Vs. Teenagers: Outdoor Vacation Smackdown
Comment by Cheri @ Blog This Mom! on 18 August 2008:
Holy Moly! The Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me three girls!
How blessed are you to have a child who hands you such great blogging material? Blessed indeed.
Cheri @ Blog This Mom!s last blog post..Family Dynamics: From the Fly on the Wall
Comment by Jan on 18 August 2008:
*snicker* I like that kid, I do.
Just wait until he realizes that it does have a life and mind of it’s own. Or worse yet, wait until YOU do.
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Comment by Tricia on 18 August 2008:
Lisa: It is after all 2008, aren’t all the publications saying penis?
Gary: I hope that didn’t become an ongoing issue and that your wife would report you have perfectly-focused adult aim.
Jen: Oh, No! I don’t even have words for that.
Cheri: Blessed?
Jan: Please bite off your typing fingers. I can’t stand the thought!
Comment by Lisa P on 18 August 2008:
You’re right. I just Googled “Reader’s Digest Penis” and several articles came up.
Lisa Ps last blog post..Duty Calls
Comment by WickedStepMom on 18 August 2008:
“Maybe its getting old.” I am not sure how you managed to not crack a smile when he said that. I would have had to leave the room!
I agree with Jan, this is the first of the excuses that include, “it has a mind of its own!”
WickedStepMoms last blog post..“Anyone ever tell you, you look like Bjork?”
Comment by Memarie Lane on 18 August 2008:
Max knows that all he really has to do is flash me a dimple and I’m rendered impotent.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..Are you there Blogosphere? It’s me, Memarie Lane.
Comment by Margaret on 18 August 2008:
I agree with Lisa P, totally RD-worthy.
You’ve got yourself a real comedian on your hands.
Margarets last blog post..My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma
Comment by Tricia on 18 August 2008:
I just love that Lisa P was kind enough to Google this. I now feel completely righteous in using the word penis on my blog. Soon, I’ll figure out how to bravely use the V word.
Comment by gary on 19 August 2008:
Well, Tricia, I am the house husband and clean the bathroom, actually, so I doubt if she knows much about my aim.
Women may find it surprising that aim is far trickier than they think it must be, and it depends on all sorts of factors like being wakeful, or not, the amount of beers consumed, the wind; and that, of course, is why guys practice writing their names in the snow.
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Comment by Tricia on 19 August 2008:
I had NO idea all that writing in the snow was actually a constructive exercise. Next time we’re in snow country, I’m going to encourage Aaron to write, write, write … right after I remind him to never eat yellow snow.
Comment by Jen on 20 August 2008:
Oh man, this made me laugh right out loud! He’s adorable, smart and a little stinker!
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Comment by Brandygirl on 20 August 2008:
LMAO!!! He’s so adorable!
When can I give this boy a hug??? So cute!
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