The following is our final article in the three-part series, Bare Naked.

The first two articles chronicled one man’s journey from loving husband to violent abuser, and his road to recovery. He is astonishingly frank and refreshingly honest. It takes guts and we appreciate his willingness to share his story in the hope that someone somewhere may benefit.

This final article provides a glimpse into the generational cycle of abuse, and the consequences of silence.

There are many brave men and women working to end men’s violence against women. At Shout, we really do believe life is too short to be quiet, and we’re adding our voices to the cry for humanity.

If you are a survivor, an abuser, or an enabler who doesn’t know how to speak up, please believe there is a better life, we know.

If you missed the first two articles in this series, you’ll find them here:

• My Journey into Violence
• My Road to Recovery
  

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From the Beginning…

A little girl is sexually abused and violently beaten throughout her childhood.

A little boy is repeatedly molested before he’s old enough to understand.

The little boy and little girl grow up. They meet each other, marry and have a family together.

The boy, now a man, sexually abuses his four daughters and at least three of his granddaughters.

The girl, now a woman, ignores the abuse and pretends it doesn’t exist. In effect, she teaches her daughters to do the same, including Susie.

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In the face of abuse many people turn their heads. If we think it’s easier to ignore abuse than to confront it, we’re wrong.

I have a multitude of situations within my extended family where abuse lurks, and generations of silence have created a culture of enabling that’s excruciating. We have enough stories of addiction, pedophilia and battering to make a psychologist’s head spin.

I am not a mental health professional, and I can only share my own experiences in the hope they resonates where needed. I’ve witnessed the pattern of children growing up in homes where abuse is “normal.” If they don’t develop tools to eradicate abuse from their adult lives, they will often become abusive adults, or victims of abuse.

What follows is one story from a library of many where cycles of violence are threatening to help define yet another generation.

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Remember Susie from the snippet above? When she grew up, she met Joe.

Joe and Susie both came from abusive homes. Hers was a home riddled in three-generations of sexual abuse. His was a home of physical violence and emotional neglect.

They fell in love, married and had three children. Together they worked hard to build a secure, loving family environment, but because neither had the opportunity or support to confront their childhood demons, when they faced abuse within their nuclear family, they automatically took shelter in what they knew.

They learned from an early age to sidestep confrontation. They learned to accept sexism. They learned to encourage male-dominance and they learned to simply pretend abuse doesn’t exist.

Sadly, their son is a violent person.

It didn’t happen in a day, a year or even a decade. Their son’s abusive nature developed throughout his life, and left unchecked, he is now a 30-year-old man who dominates his family and batters his wife.

Remember, “you don’t need to bleed to be humiliated and abused.” He uses intimidation, money, angry rages, threats and insults laced with foul language to batter women in his family.

WHY MEN BATTER

Men batter because it “works”
Violence, or the threat of it, stops her from doing something he doesn’t like, or gets her to do something he wants. Battering is a pattern of physical and emotional abuse designed to keep him in charge

Men batter because they learn it
Men learn to batter by seeing other men do so
Men learn to hold women in contempt by hearing other men do so

Men batter because they can get away with it
They hide it by choosing when, where, and whom to batter
The community hides it by ignoring, justifying, or condoning it

His parents, Joe and Susie, have spent a lifetime enabling their son’s abuse, albeit unintentionally and without malice, they have effectively allowed their own childhoods to recycle. They’ve perpetuated the next generation of abuse. Coupled with a social environment where sexism and male privilege prevail, it’s not surprising; however it is incredibly disheartening.

Joe and Susie have always looked the other way when their son engaged in violent behavior. Rather than teach him to respect his little sister and to not use physical violence, for example, they’d remind her not to antagonize him.

Joe and Susie failed to give their son tools every parent and social institution must help children to develop—accountability, independence, and an intrinsic value that male-superiority is wrong. They’ve yet to understand that by covering for and accepting the abuse, they are allowing their family to be dominated by a singular person hell-bent on control and self-destruction. They allow themselves to be victims.

You may ask why Joe and Susie should hold any accountability squarely on their shoulders. They are the parents of an adult—a person who, at 30-years-old, has the capacity to make decisions for himself. They are no longer responsible for their son’s actions, right? Under normal circumstances that would be true.

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is when someone makes it easier for another person to continue self-destructive or abusive behavior.

These are not normal circumstances. Joe and Susie are not responsible for the decisions their adult son makes, but they do play a vital role in the ongoing abuse. They remain silent when he emotionally batters someone in their presence. They feel guilty and ashamed. They refuse to set boundaries, or to hear the voices of their daughters and daughter-in-law. They allow their son to escape the repercussions of his own actions by providing for him financially, and they continue to clean up behind him when he makes a mess in his own life or in the lives of other people.

Each and every time someone tries to address the issue, Joe and Susie immediately employ a helpless, it-is-what-it-is shoulder shrug, or they become angry and walk away. Confrontation is not allowed.

They can choose to take a stand and to hand the responsibility right back where it belongs—with their son. Instead, their silence encourages the behavior and validates his control.

Can Joe and Susie stop their son from continuing a life of violence against women? No. He alone makes the choice to abuse. They are responsible for creating an environment where abuse can flourish.

We all have a responsibility to teach our sons that sexism is wrong, that abuse will not be tolerated. We each have a responsibility to create safe environments for women and girls, and to hold accountable men who batter.

Joe and Susie can create positive change. They have the strength and goodness in their hearts. As parents they must stop enabling their son’s behavior. They must set the example and rescue themselves. We all must stop accepting violence in our families and the battering of women. It’s difficult, but the alternative is worse. The next generation is at stake.

You see, their son has a two-year-old daughter. She’s a smart, beautiful little girl whose most significant role models include a battered mother, a violent father and grandparents who turn the other cheek. If nobody takes a stand, if nobody sets an example, this beautiful little girl may represent the next generation of battered women in our family.

Excerpted from: A Conversation …
Men: what you can say and do to make a difference

HOW TO PROMOTE CHANGE

Name the abuse: Ask him

• To specify his abuse without minimizing what he did
• To claim his abuse and not blame others

Expect consequences: Ask him

• What he will do to stop himself
• What consequences will discourage him from doing it again
• Who will impose the consequences

Require restoration: Ask him

• What steps he will take to restore the emotional and physical safety he has destroyed

Transform beliefs about women:

• When a man holds negative beliefs about women, he will act on those beliefs
• Changing beliefs is how authentic personal change can occur

Work for social change:

• Men will stop assaulting women when men decide it is unacceptable and act accordingly
• So long as the community promotes negative beliefs about women, men will continue to act on those beliefs
• Challenging sexist structures and systems is critical for safety and justice

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