• Home
    • RSS
  • About
  • Brain Bon Bons
  • Comm. Quips & Tips
  • Current Affairs
  • Dog Pile
  • Featured
  • Parenting
    • Infertility
    • Motherly Musings
    • Stepparenting
    • Surrogacy
  • Personal Insanities
    • Pet Peeves
    • Wondering on Wednesday
  • Sundries

Enough With the I’m Sorries

June 11th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under
Filed Under: Motherly Musings • Personal Insanities

To say I’m sorry is a meaningless, driveling, bore. Similar to the grocery-store cashier who asks a hundred people each day, “How are you?” saying I’m sorry has become a courtesy of insignificant value. Sorry no longer means I have a deep and humble feeling of remorse for something I’ve said or done. It no longer means that I’ve learned something about you and will alter my behavior accordingly. It just means I’m conditioned to belch the words at appropriate times. Stick something down my throat and sure, you’ll trigger my gag reflex.

Little four-year-old Johnny bounces a sneaker off Rover’s head and his parents demand an apology…to the dog. The husband stubs his toe or explains that aftershave lotion stings and we say, “That must hurt, I’m sorry.” A girl friend reports on the hair-day-from-hell and we say, “I’m so sorry.”

You’ll constantly hear parents prompting children to say, “I’m sorry” for some transgression or the other. We start building that reflex early and it grates on my nerves each and every time I see it happening, but I’ve stumbled trying to figure out an alternative. Then I went to preschool.

When Aaron started in Montessori one of the first things the school director explained to me was how they do not teach children to say, “I’m sorry.”

She said, “We don’t teach or ask them to say I’m sorry because the reality is that a three year old is not sorry when he pulls something from another child’s hands. He’s glad he got what he wanted, but he’s not sorry for taking it. He may be sorry for getting in trouble, but not for the act itself. Instead, we teach them early conflict management skills through what we call eye messages.”

Huh?

She continued, “If one child is upsetting or hurting another, we teach the child who’s upset to look into the eyes of the other child and to explain how they feel.”

Huh, again?

“If Sally is throwing sand at Johnny, we’ll teach Johnny to tell her that when she throws sand it gets in his eyes and it hurts. It’s then Sally’s responsibility to acknowledge what Johnny has said by looking at him and repeating his words, ‘I know that throwing sand hurts your eyes. I don’t want to hurt you so I won’t throw sand again.’”

Montessori teaches children to acknowledge and name their feelings and to modify behavior rather than simply forcing an, “I’m sorry” that has little meaning and that’s uttered as a way to avoid punishment.

When children learn to hear each other and to communicate what’s gone wrong, they learn to manage conflict easily and to communicate with more depth. I’ve seen four and five year olds doing this with my own eyes. It’s amazing. They create empathy; they learn to articulate their feelings, to ask for a change in behavior, and then they get to choose rather or not they’re actually going to honor the other person’s feelings. I know lots of adults who don’t have as advanced communication skills.

Where do I sign up? Can I go back to preschool? I love this!

Please don’t say you’re sorry to me unless you’re just trying to empathize that I’ve stubbed my toe. Look me in the eyes and say, “I know I’m a shameless schmuck and I’ve hurt you, but now that I know how you feel about this, I’ll be more conscientious and try not to do it again.”

If you say you’re sorry, I’ll know it’s a reflex.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Technorati
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Google

If you also think life's too short to be quiet, you can subscribe for your daily dose of Shout here.

There Are 7 Responses So Far. »

  1. Gravatar

    Comment by Shiela on 11 June 2008:

    Interesting post, food for thought. But, well, call me old fashioned but I do mean I am sorry when I say it. In one way or another, I truly feel the remorse for doing something that may, in some way, have caused you pain or loss of some kind. I suppose my “I’m sorry” encapsulates the meanings and intentions that otherwise may take too long to say expressly.

  2. Gravatar

    Comment by Pamela on 11 June 2008:

    I have, as I’ve grown older, tried harder to use my brain before my mouth. This has come in handy in many different ways. :)

  3. Gravatar

    Comment by Margaret on 11 June 2008:

    I’m sorry you feel the way you do about “I’m sorry”. :)

    But seriously, those words carry more weight with people who have a harder time of saying it. If it’s easily blurted out, then it has less sincerity.

    I’m happy to hear that SOMEONE is teaching children this, it’s too bad it’s restricted to some, and not ALL.

    Margarets last blog post..Nanny Goats Secret Identity Revealed

  4. Gravatar

    Comment by Doug on 12 June 2008:

    The school’s approach is interesting. It’s either going to develop a generation of great communicators or a generation of doctors and lawyers who actually make money not apologizing.

  5. Gravatar

    Comment by Amy on 12 June 2008:

    I believe that along with so many other things in our society, lots of people want the easy way out and “I’m sorry” does it. I love the Montessori approach, I wish more adults would learn this.

    Amys last blog post..Manners Teaching Master … not!

  6. Gravatar

    Comment by Jen on 17 June 2008:

    Oooh I love this one! Very true.

    Jens last blog post..Craptastic Commercials

  7. Gravatar

    Comment by speedyplastic on 19 June 2008:

    I feel this way when someone says “my bad” I’m sorry has a lot more meaning than my bad…. my bad makes lite of the situation.

Shout Back

  • 300x250 banner
    • 125x125 banner ad
    • 125x125 banner ad
    • 125x125 banner ad
    • 125x125 banner ad
  • Readers Shout Back...

    (register your alter ego photo at gravatar.com)

    • Gravatar All the sexual innuendo is much appreciated and the idea of trading out favors for studio time does seem like ...
      Tricia | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar Thanks love! This is a great idea!!! Jens last blog post..My secret addiction
      Jen | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar Okay, I have to side with your hubby. Just because I know that passion. But you should DEFINITELY ...
      MamaGeek | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar Trica, i am sorry i missed you the weekend you came up to celebrate a birthday and wedding and a ...
      Megan | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar My mom, 75, claims that what you have said is very true. I know...ewwww. I think you just have more ...
      Kristen | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar I would ask for veto rights for any photos that he wants to keep. That way, you can veto ...
      WickedStepMom | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar Well, um, swap some, you know, time in the sheets for some portrait practice? Kind of like "honey, do me, ...
      gary | 28Aug08 | More
    • Gravatar C''mon now Tricia this one is easy. passion for passion right? a win win for both of you... a fair ...
      Laura | 28Aug08 | More
  • Popular

    • Enough With the I'm Sorries
    • Turn the Car Around. We're Having a Baby
    • Post Your Panties for Peace
    • Puppies Outlawed As Chick Magnets
    • Bare Naked Part I ... My Journey into Violence

    Most Comments

    • Conversations with an Infertile in a Fertile World (23)
    • Turn the Car Around. We're Having a Baby (21)
    • I Failed the Marriage Test (19)
    • Bully Busters (18)
    • Holy Crap Almighty There's a Cross On My Blog (17)

    Search

    Tags

    Archives

  • Now Brewing...

    • Attack of the Redneck Mommy
    • Coffee Jitters
    • Dad Gone Mad
    • Derfwad Manor
    • Don’t Say That Too Loud
    • FiveFlowerMom
    • i am bossy
    • It’s a Mad Madge World
    • It’s A Schmitty Life
    • Izzy Mom
    • Jan’s Sushi Bar
    • Just Me
    • Life and Times of a Wicked Step Mom
    • Mama’s Losin It
    • Manager Mom
    • Memarie Lane
    • MetroDad
    • Minnesota Matron
    • Motherhood Uncensored
    • Nanny Goats in Panties
    • Not Just a Cookie Dream
    • Not Quite What I Had Planned
    • Notes from The Sleep Deprived
    • Poot and Cubby
    • Potter’s Blog
    • San Diego Momma
    • Surrender, Dorothy
    • The Edge of Insanity
    • The Story of Us
    • Twenty Four at Heart
    • Uncommon Grace
    • Use Your Wisdom
    • Vintage Thirty
    • What Works for Us (Mama Geek)
    • Woulda Coulda Shoulda
© Copyright 2008. Shout •All rights reserved.
Powered by WordPress • WordPress Themes • XHTML