To say I’m sorry is a meaningless, driveling, bore. Similar to the grocery-store cashier who asks a hundred people each day, “How are you?” saying I’m sorry has become a courtesy of insignificant value. Sorry no longer means I have a deep and humble feeling of remorse for something I’ve said or done. It no longer means that I’ve learned something about you and will alter my behavior accordingly. It just means I’m conditioned to belch the words at appropriate times. Stick something down my throat and sure, you’ll trigger my gag reflex.

Little four-year-old Johnny bounces a sneaker off Rover’s head and his parents demand an apology…to the dog. The husband stubs his toe or explains that aftershave lotion stings and we say, “That must hurt, I’m sorry.” A girl friend reports on the hair-day-from-hell and we say, “I’m so sorry.”

You’ll constantly hear parents prompting children to say, “I’m sorry” for some transgression or the other. We start building that reflex early and it grates on my nerves each and every time I see it happening, but I’ve stumbled trying to figure out an alternative. Then I went to preschool.

When Aaron started in Montessori one of the first things the school director explained to me was how they do not teach children to say, “I’m sorry.”

She said, “We don’t teach or ask them to say I’m sorry because the reality is that a three year old is not sorry when he pulls something from another child’s hands. He’s glad he got what he wanted, but he’s not sorry for taking it. He may be sorry for getting in trouble, but not for the act itself. Instead, we teach them early conflict management skills through what we call eye messages.”

Huh?

She continued, “If one child is upsetting or hurting another, we teach the child who’s upset to look into the eyes of the other child and to explain how they feel.”

Huh, again?

“If Sally is throwing sand at Johnny, we’ll teach Johnny to tell her that when she throws sand it gets in his eyes and it hurts. It’s then Sally’s responsibility to acknowledge what Johnny has said by looking at him and repeating his words, ‘I know that throwing sand hurts your eyes. I don’t want to hurt you so I won’t throw sand again.’”

Montessori teaches children to acknowledge and name their feelings and to modify behavior rather than simply forcing an, “I’m sorry” that has little meaning and that’s uttered as a way to avoid punishment.

When children learn to hear each other and to communicate what’s gone wrong, they learn to manage conflict easily and to communicate with more depth. I’ve seen four and five year olds doing this with my own eyes. It’s amazing. They create empathy; they learn to articulate their feelings, to ask for a change in behavior, and then they get to choose rather or not they’re actually going to honor the other person’s feelings. I know lots of adults who don’t have as advanced communication skills.

Where do I sign up? Can I go back to preschool? I love this!

Please don’t say you’re sorry to me unless you’re just trying to empathize that I’ve stubbed my toe. Look me in the eyes and say, “I know I’m a shameless schmuck and I’ve hurt you, but now that I know how you feel about this, I’ll be more conscientious and try not to do it again.”

If you say you’re sorry, I’ll know it’s a reflex.

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