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Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.

— Winston Churchill

Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman (caution, foul language ahead)

When you work in a public environment, there’s no end to the joyful well-wishes you’ll receive while pregnant. There’s also no end to the obnoxious, dim-witted comments people will make.  

Today is D day for my sister. D as in Due. D as in Delivery. D as in Damn this baby is not arriving today. Of course every new parent will attest babies are notoriously opinionated and rarely do anything on schedule.

As she struggles through the day wondering and hoping labor will begin within the minute, she’s also having to struggle to be nice to her customers. My sister is one of the friendliest, people-persons I know. She’s one of those happy people who bounces around full of life. She even wakes up with a smile on her face, seriously, and she does it without medication. 

She was mentally prepared for strangers to walk up to her and without being invited and to start rubbing her belly like a genie bottle, but she wasn’t prepared for the comments people make as she nears the end of her pregnancy.

She loves working with the public and she adores her customers, but when I spoke with her this afternoon she was understandably exasperated. In fact she said “Fuck off” more times than I’ve ever heard her swear in her life, and she kept using the word vagina. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her actually say vagina, but the vocabulary was taking an interesting turn as she recounted a series of dumb-ass customer comment scenarios. Here’s a small segment, and keep in mind that after recounting each of these she said, “Fuck off”. Go ahead, fill in the blank as you read along.

Customer Comment #1: “You’re still here? I can’t believe you haven’t had that baby yet.”

What my sister heard: You look huge. What’s your problem? You must be doing something terribly wrong if you can’t get that baby out of your body. If you can’t do this part right, you may want to reconsider the mothering thing.

Her Reply: Not yet, but I’m sure it’ll be any time now.

What she wanted to say: I just look like this because I’ve been eating too much. I had the baby weeks and weeks ago. And by the way, how stupid are you, really? _________

 

Customer Comment #2: You haven’t had that baby yet? You know I’ve heard having sex can help get things going.

What my sister heard: You look huge. Are you still capable of having sex?

What she said: Yup. I’ve heard that too.

What she wanted to say: You stupid idiot. Don’t you think I’ve tried that. I’m having more sex than you are and I’m nine months pregnant. ___________

 

Customer Comment #3: You walk pretty well for a pregnant woman.

What my sister heard: You look huge and you waddle like a duck.

What she said: Uh huh.

What she wanted to say: Why are you looking at my ass you jerk. ___________

 

Customer Comment #4: Oh My God. I can’t believe you’re still here. Is the baby moving? Are you feeling any movement at all?

What my sister heard: You look huge. Can you feel your vagina growing?

What she said: Everything seems to be fine.

What she wanted to say: What the hell does that mean? Are you actually asking me if I can feel this baby starting to push its way through my yahoo hole?  ___________

My hope is that this baby arrives before her inside voice starts to seep through her locked jaw and all her customers go running out the door as she embraces a hormonal rage and begins to scream, “All you idiots can fuck off.”

 

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9 comments to Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman (caution, foul language ahead)

  • Shiela

    There is NOTHING more irritating than being 9 months pregnant. NOTHING. Nothing fits, not even your shoes (who knew feet could get fat?!?). Everyone else is happy and blissfully unaware of your pain. They are also not as fat as you and not nearly as swollen, which further pisses you off. And I will never understand why people think they can say whatever they want to a pregnant woman – don’t they know they are playing with hormonal fire?!? I had a co-worker ask me if I had felt the baby move in a while… “Um, no, and thanks a pant-load for giving me something ELSE to worry about, DAMNIT!” I say – you mess with the bull you can bet yer sweet a$$ your gonna get the horns!

  • Brenda Michele

    For the record, Kristy does not look at all huge. She looks absolutly stunning for 9 months pregnant. On her behalf, I am having nightly double shots of icecream so our customers can make comments about my growing ass and not her cute pregnant one.

  • I look forward to your next blog post detailing all the “F#ck-Off”s your sister will be handing out to all the strangers reaching out to TOUCH the new baby. Don’t bother bathing the little one until AFTER he/she has done the public rounds.

    I love the layout of your blog. I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t move to WordPress. And how did you get your pic to show up in the haloscan comments? I’ve been grappling with that forever. And me, a computer programmer. Sheesh! :(

  • Ummm.. that is just more than a little disturbing that a customer is suggesting a very pregnant woman have sex…

  • sister

    I am better today. The wonderful D day came and went and now I am over it and accept my fate for what it is and when this baby decides to come. I have rangled my inner voice and feel better after venting. But I must say that it does amaze me that people see that you are pregnant and feel they can discuss your body openly.

  • Tricia

    Just in case you’d like a little laugh therapy regarding things to ask pregnant women, head on over to Memarie Lane and read this tantalizing tid bit: http://memarielane.blogspot.com/2008/05/dear-googler.html

  • I remember those last weeks (especially the last few days) before giving birth. Why do people have to comment?

    I love the imaginary answer on the first comment, especially! They’re all hilarious.

  • I came over here cause it showed up on my statcounter. OMG can I relate to all of it! Those last few weeks are the absolute worst for the comments. And even worse than the strangers are the friends and relatives, because they ought to know better. I stopped answering the phone around 8.5 months with my last one because at least three times a day someone would call and ask “how are you feeeeeeeling?” Which means, “WTF??? Why aren’t you having contractions yet? What is WRONG with you? Are you deformed???”

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